Relationship

Usually, people create New Year's Resolutions on January 1.

I usually don't create New Year's Resolutions at all. But, every February I find myself reflecting on the year prior and the year ahead. Looking at triumphs and failures.

This has been a year of pure blessings.

• Finding a job
• Finding 2 better jobs
• Meeting some amazing new people
• Being able to finally have some closure after 5 years
• Having the BBQ in July with SO MANY loved ones from all over
• Going to the Middle School Ministry conference again
• Growing in so many relationships with friends and family
• Waking up the past 365 days

This year has also been a challenge in many ways.

• Following the Lord's path for me in business.
• Finally facing Rebecca for the first time since 2007 (in a good way)
• Coming to the realization that a relationship not based in the Lord will ALWAYS fail
• Facing myself in the mirror, realizing that I am still broken, more so than I have allowed myself to admit.
• Finding the balance in my life between the grace the Lord has given to me and the obedience that should come from that.

One of my biggest struggles as a "new Christian" is knowing the balance and trying to do it all. I believe that a relationship with the Lord must be forever growing and developing, if it isn't growing, it's dying.

Relationships are multifaceted. They are built on connections between two parties. The connections need to be intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and physical. I like to think my relationship with the Lord is strong, but I know that I am lacking in many areas of this relationship.

It is important to be honest about your strengths, recognize them and use them to your fullest potential. I know that the strongest part of my relationship with the Lord is the physical relationship... Now, kindly remove your mind from the gutter... I feel closest to the Lord when serving others. This could be cooking for Middle Schoolers, taking a senior citizen grocery shopping, helping clean up efforts after Sandy, setting up the Sunday service at church, or just being around when someone needs a hand. I don't want recognition, or even a thank you. I just want to serve others. In the physical acts, I feel truly connected to God's plan for me and my relationship with Him really thrives. 

The emotional connection is there, though sometimes a little foggy. I pray often and He ALWAYS answers my prayers!! However, in my human nature, I sometimes miss the answer or pretend not to hear an answer I don't like. The emotional connection may not make sense to those around us, but when you KNOW where the Lord is calling you, or what he calling you to, just GO!!! For the most part, I am fairly firm in this part of the relationship. I trust the Lord enough to follow the path he is calling me to.

Sadly, I am completely and utterly FAILING in the intellectual and spiritual part of my relationship with The Lord. I have been reading all sorts of Christian literature (ministry books, inspirational, even some fiction). I read 1-2 books a month and find myself wishing that I could find a "Guide to Christianity". Well DUHHHHHH. The Bible is just that!! I know that the Bible is the instruction manual to being a Christian and leading the life the Lord wants, yet I read everything but the Bible. This is the intellectual part of relationship with the Lord. This is the part of my relationship that I need to work on and make better, while not allowing the other parts to suffer.

The spiritual component of a relationship is what should easily follow when the other elements are firmly in place. When your relationship with The Lord grows and flourishes, you being to live as Jesus lived, i.e. kind, patient, loving, joyous, thankful, faithful courageous, challenging, etc.  Some of these I live daily, but I know that because other areas of my relationship are lacking, this one is also lacking.

I shared all of this because, for me, February is a month of new beginnings. February is a month to really look at where I am lacking and to change from the inside out. New Year's Resolutions don't need to be delegated to a once a year thing. I would like to challenge each one of us to wake up DAILY and ask ourselves "How can I grow my relationship with the Lord TODAY???" 

Thank you to everyone reading this. Even if no one is reading this, just the knowledge that someone could possibly read it, keeps me accountable. This blog keeps me honest with myself as I write about this journey. In reflection, one of the reasons I took such a long break from blogging last year was because I didn't want to be honest. I didn't want to be vulnerable. I didn't want to admit that I was turning away from my relationship with The Lord in a lot of ways. So, THANK YOU. Thank you for reading and thank you for not reading. Thank you mostly for the chance to challenge myself with a forced accountability!

Starting Over

I started this blog a few years ago.... and I have been a HORRIBLE blogger.... Well, time to change that! I write all the time, but never post. In fact, when I realized that it has been over a year and a half since my last posting, I couldn't believe it! This past year and a half has brought so much change, and so many blessings.

Starting over is a daunting task... where to start? what to talk about? should I focus on life, or faith? That last question is where I shocked myself....

Thinking about this blog, where I started and where I am now, one thing and one thing only is completely clear in my mind.... My faith IS my life. Don't get me wrong, I live the daily life and struggle of a sinner. However, above all else, I strive to live as a Christian in ALL aspects of my life.

For those of you know my story, you know that my brother (with the Holy Spirit), is responsible for bringing me back into a relationship with The Lord. Jimmy used to always say: "The Lord has a plan for me, it isn't my job to know the plan, it isn't my job to understand the plan, and it is isn't my job to like the plan. It is only my job to live the plan to the fullest of my abilities and to remain faithful to the plan."

At the time, I didn't understand what he meant, I laughed at him and ignored him. Now, I understand fully and I am the one being laughed at by people around me.

Twice now in my life, I have turned down good job offers in favor of following the path The Lord is leading me on. To most of my friends and much of my family, my decisions have made no sense. I have chosen to put ministry higher than financial stability in my priority list. Even some of my Christian friends think I am losing it.

In the Gospels of Matthew, Mark, and Luke, we read about how at least 5 of the disciples left everything "immediately" to follow Jesus. ....

In 2013, we want everything to happen "immediately". We have fast food, fast cars, fast paced jobs, children grow up faster, and with the internet and shopping malls we even shop faster. We want everything in our lives NOW. But, which one of us would leave our family, our job, and our comfortable lifestyle to follow Jesus NOW???

I am NOT suggesting that we are all called to move into a mission field right now. What I am suggesting is that in our fast paced lifestyles, it is easy for all of us (me included) not to hear the calling The Lord has for us. It is easy to say "I'll volunteer when I have time", or "Work is really busy, I'll help out when It slows down".

Our lives will never slow down, unless we make them. We need to be proactive and place our priorities on the Lord. Place our trust in Him and the plan He has for each and every one of us. I don't understand the plan The Lord has for me. And I don't have to!!!! I just have to trust!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take" (Proverbs 3:5-6)

My prayer is that The Lord will continue to light my path, that He will help me to remain strong in Him, and that He will help me be obedient in my walk on this path.

My promise and commitment to you is that I will be a better blogger and not wait until August of 2014 to blog again!

How will you be remembered?

This is my Great Uncle Billy... He was my Grandmother's brother... He passed away on July 2nd, and yesterday was his memorial service.

I don't have a lot of vivid memories of Uncle Billy. The only vivid memories I have are from a bbq at his house in Neptune. I remember Uncle Billy saying "get me a beer", and a beer showing up. I also remember the garden by the driveway, the recliner and shag carpet inside. The thing I remember the most vividly was the TON of clams and the pot of melted butter.

This doesn't surprise me... Grandma's FAVORITE food was always steamer clams. There were a lot of similarities between Uncle Billy and my Grandmother. They were both extremely strong, stern (in their own ways), and loving (in their own ways), but above all they were strong. They held their families together and kept their families pushing through, no matter what.

Today's memorial and the events of the past week have had me thinking a lot about how I will be remembered when I pass. (Don't worry, I'm not planning on going any time soon, but you never know.) I have been wondering how people will remember me, and how other people thought they would be remembered, as well as how we REALLY remember those we love after they pass. How do we want to be remembered? Is that how we will be remembered? Is that how the Lord will see us?

Three of Uncle Billy's seven children spoke at the service today. Each one of them spoke from the heart, and each of them struggled to show Uncle Billy in a "good light". They all remembered his strength, but they also remembered his sternness, his toughness, how closed minded he was, and his inability to relax and enjoy life (until his later years). During the sermon the priest spoke about how Uncle Billy was saved by his savior. I got to thinking; I don't think I ever heard of Uncle Billy going to church (except for weddings and funerals).

Through all this I kept thinking and wondering if that was how Uncle Billy wanted to be remembered? I remember Uncle Billy as the type of man who made things happen, an "actions speak louder than words" kind of man. I think the true remembrance is in his family. All of his 7 children are strong willed and wonderful adults. His 13 grandchildren have also begun to show the strong willed and stubbornness that Uncle Billy was known for. Because of Uncle Billy, his family will be able to hold their heads high and know that they have the ability to stand up for what they feel is right, stand against injustices, and conquer anything they put their minds to.

Jimmy is remembered as a brother, son, friend, lifeguard, swimmer, drummer, Marine, and goofball. But when I sat and thought about it, and prayed about it, I really think he would have rather been remembered as a servant.  Jimmy spent his life helping those around him, even before he started following the teachings of Jesus Christ. Jimmy loved those around him and always did whatever he could to cheer up those around him. I know that we all have special memories of Jimmy, but I think he would want to be remembered as a servant of Christ and Christ's message.

That lead me to the question of how I want to be remembered.... Recently a few people (at different times) have told me that I have a "servant's heart". That simple statement has brought such joy and conflict to my heart. It makes me so happy because I want nothing more than to do whatever I can to help those around me in whatever way I can. However, it also weighs heavy on my heart, because it is an honor I don't deserve. I don't do a lot, I'm not an inspiration, I  don't do anything special, I haven't saved a life, or pulled anyone out of trouble. I don't feel like I follow the Lord as I should and I want to be a better Christian, a better witness of Jesus's love and God's compassion. I want to really make a difference and help people!! I pray that the Lord will continue to guide me and continue to bless me with his love and grace. I pray that I will find a job that will allow me to do more to help people. I pray that his will is for me to be a blessing to those around me in any way that I can be. I honestly don't care how the people here on earth will remember me. I pray that I can show everyone I meet at least a little bit of God's love and I pray that they will show that love to someone else and pay it forward, that is what I hope and pray for, that I be forgotten but that the love I showed live on.

Time to get Serious!!!

I have struggled with my weight all my life. I was never an "average" size girl. The last time Jimmy saw me I was 252 pounds:

In March 2007 I has gastric bypass surgery.... I rapidly started losing weight, and over the course of about a year I lost exactly 100 pounds... down to 152!!!

I felt good. I looked good (this picture doesn't do it justice, but I'm HORRIBLE at taking good pictures). But I was happy and healthy. I really wanted to get down to 132, but I was ok at 152.......

Slowly but surly over the last 3 years I have started to gain the weight back.... =(

I am currently at 184 =(

I have been stuck here for a few months now and I am sick of it!!

A few months back I tried a vegan diet, it lasted a little over a week, and then was too hard to follow.

I have been working with a trainer at the gym. 30 minutes twice a week. She is great at kicking my butt. She has been trying telling my to just cut down calories, 1200 per day is all I should need.

I started reading Rocco Dispirito's new book Now Eat This! Diet. He advocates a lower calorie (1200 for women to start) diet. Not cutting things out, just adjusting HOW we eat them. LOTS of recipes with lower calorie substitutes.

The diet starts in the MORNING!!! I am determined to start losing the weight! I am planning on blogging about the journey, sharing recipes that work (and maybe some that don't), and even workout tips (as I get more in shape). I am thinking that by blogging on here I will have more accountability than just doing it on my own. Who knows? Maybe this will work out well and I will by like the Julie & Julia woman! Doubtful, but you never know! HaHaHaHaHaHa

If anyone has suggestions/recipes/tips, please feel free to share!!

A Date!!!

Some people have asked me how I grow in my relationship to God through dating.... I have been struggling with an answer that would be worthy of writing a blog about.... well I got my inspiration today!!!!

I had a DATE!!! With a man we will call Pat.... Pat and I met on a dating website (yes I am on a dating website, but will NOT be much longer)... Pat is 42 (yes I know that is too "old" for me, but age is really just a #) and he has a 10 year old son from a previous marriage that ended a few years ago.....

We have been talking for a while now and I thought I had pre-screened him pretty well. He seemed to be fun, sarcastic, and very intelligent.

The only concern I had was his view on "religion"......His belief is that religions are crap. He thinks that religious people are nothing but lemmings, just following the flow over a cliff. He believes in questioning everything, and I really do mean EVERYTHING!!! (I didn't realize how bad it was until today though)

We met at Penn Station, he lives in Long Island, so I figured that would be the easiest, and a good excuse to head into the city. The whole way up I had a knot in my stomach. I wasn't worried about meeting him. I was worried about whether or not I would be able to defend my faith if the topic came up.... I prayed the whole train ride. I prayed for strength, clarity of mind, and knowledge.

I will be the first one to say that I don't know everything; I don't even know most things about the Bible. BUT, I do know that I believe in God; Jesus was the only Son of God (and was man and God at the same time); Jesus suffered and gave up his pure life to pay the price of my sins so that I can have a relationship with God; and the Bible is the word of the Lord, so above all I want to know the Bible and follow the teachings in the Bible.

Right off the bat when we met, the Lord gave me the strength to stand up and not back down on my point of view. He was very judgmental of everyone around him. Then we walked over to Central Park, talking a little bit along the way. He looked at the tattoo on my foot:

and said "Do you want to explain that?" I explained that it is the first part of John 14:6 in the original Greek and that it translates to mean "I am the way, and the truth, and the life". The response I got was unexpected. He asked why.... I gave my standard response that I like having the constant reminder of what is really important in life, and where I need to keep my focus.... His response was why.. We went back and forth for at least 15 blocks with the answer & why talk, all stemming from my tattoo. Finally when it became obvious that no quality or quantity of answers would stop the whys I asked a question.....

"If you are so against religion, don't believe in the Bible, and that only morons who don't think have faith, then why are you asking all these questions?"

"Because I like knowledge for the sake of knowledge"

After walking around the park for a little bit, it started rain, so we took shelter under a tree.....

It was there that I sat on a bench and watched Central Park go by in the rain. I watched people go by under umbrellas; watched was the rain dripped off the leaves and poured down through the holes in the canopy of leaves. It was beautiful, a break of pure God given beauty and majesty in the middle of midtown Manhattan!

During this break in the walking we got to talking about the difference between our views. Pat explained that he has a hunger to know EVERYTHING. When I asked why the answer I got was "it makes me feel better". He asked why I don't want to know everything.

And it was then; in the rain that it truly hit me. I DON'T want to know everything, because I don't NEED to know everything. The Lord provides me with all that I need. And I can take shelter in my knowledge that if there is something I need to know I will know it. I find peace in being able to see the beauty in the life that the Lord has placed about me. I don't need to know where the water evaporated from that created to the rain in order to appreciate its beauty and splendor.

I told him all of this and he told me that he envied my simpleton mindset!!

It was then that it was time to head back. On the walk back the wind picked up and the rain continued. I was cold, and I was wet, but I was warm on the inside. We made it back to Penn Station and parted ways.

On the way home on the train, I said a prayer; a prayer of thanks and praise. The Lord has allowed me to have a relationship with him, and he has allowed me to grow in my knowledge of him and his love and grace. He has blessed me with the strength to say that I want him to be the center of my world. I want a man who accepts the Lord and who also has a relationship with the Lord!!



Mother's Love

As I have started to walk the path of Christianity I am learning a lot of the differences between the Christian variations in the world. I have also learned how the different sects of Christianity deal with each other and see each other. I was raised Catholic. Growing up, I never quite understood the role of the Blessed Virgin. Recently I have spent time with some other Christians who saw Mary's role in the Catholic Church as pure idolatry. I could understand and respect that position. However, the judgment and anger behind the position left me with more questions about how we as Christians should respond to these issues.

I took my questions to our church administrator. She has been such an amazing blessing in my life on this journey. She is a Catholic, but above all she believes in the Bible, the teachings of Jesus, and God's love and grace. I will never be able to thank her enough for the love, grace, and peace she has brought into my life. I admire her strength, wisdom, and faith more than I can express. She and I sat down a couple of weeks ago and spoke about the role of the Blessed Virgin in the church. She basically left me with the wisdom that it isn't that she worships the Blessed Virgin, but that she asks for help from one mother's heart to another.

I'm going to be 100% honest here and say that I really had NO idea what she meant. I understood the words, but not the magnitude..... until today.

I went to my friend's church this morning for a daily mass. I really felt the need to go to a mass today for Jimmy, and decided to try her church. My friend met me there and held my hand throughout, giving me strength. In the chapel behind the alter, there were big windows that overlooked a small garden with a statue of Mary and Jesus. It was a hot day; the sun was shining brightly through the clear windows. The lush greenery and brightly colored pink and purple flowers seemed to be rising around, protecting, a white stone statue of the Blessed Virgin holding her young son, Jesus, in her arms.

It was there, looking at this statue that I finally understood!! And I realized sitting there in that chapel, that I don't know the true pain of loss, and God willing, I never will. But, the Blessed Virgin did, and my mother does, and most mothers probably have some sort of a clue about what real pain is.

The Lord blesses us with children to raise. They are not our children, they are God's children. He entrusts us with the responsibility to raise them, just as he entrusted Mary over 2000 years ago. Mary raised Jesus the best she could, which is all any mother today can do. Jesus chose to follow his father, to love those around him, and to spread his father's love throughout the world, just as most parents would want their child to do today (just as Jimmy did). Jesus went to the cross freely, he knew that the Lord had a plan for him, and he wanted to fulfill the plan. Jimmy's great line was always "the Lord has a plan for me, it isn't my job to know the plan, and it is just my job to live the plan".

Jesus took the sin of the world upon himself and he suffered with our sins as he hung on the cross. And as he suffered, his mother watched. The mother who nursed him, who watched him grow, who loved and protected him, watched as he hung on the cross. She watched as he took up the crosses of the world, and suffered all the way to his death. I can't begin to imagine the pain that this must have caused Mary. To stand back and watch the son she loved suffer without being about to do anything to take away his pain must have been unbearable for her.

Mary really does have a mother's heart. She knows a mother's pain and suffering. I know that The Lord's has freely blessed me with his love and grace. I know that Jesus Christ sacrificed his life to save mine, and to give me the gift of the new covenant. I also know that a mother who asks for the Lord's help through the strength of the Blessed Virgin will still be blessed with love, grace, and renewed life through the new covenant.

4 Years!

I have been trying to plan this blog for over a month. I wanted to express how hard it is to believe that Jimmy is dead (and not just on a crazy long deployment). I wanted to express how much I miss him. I wanted to express how empty the world feels at times without him here. And I really wanted to express how hard it is to believe that it has been FOUR years already. I have written bits and pieces, and then I have trashed them and started again. As I sat down last night to start typing, I realized that no matter how long I write, or how eloquently I express myself, my words will never be enough to adequately show the size of the hole in my heart and my world without Jimmy here. I miss him 365 days a year, not just 1 or 2.

As I have thought and planned, my heart has been calling to God for answers. Why Jimmy? Why then? Why NOT me? These are all questions that I have asked a million times before. But this year I have started to see the answers and the blessings that have come after........  (I am NOT saying that the hurt is any less, or that I am glad this happened in any way shape or form!!)

Jimmy had faith!! Jimmy KNEW, without a doubt, that the Lord loved him and that he was saved through the Lord's love and grace!! He told me a couple of times (once right before he deployed the last time) that the Lord had a plan for him, and that he didn't care what the plan was, he just wanted to live it. I believe that the Lord's plan for Jimmy was to use him to bring other's together, and to show others the Lord's love.

I want to thank Daniel & Ramee Larson for bringing peace. Daniel and Jimmy were in the same unit in the Marine Corps. Daniel invited Jimmy to church. The Larsons introduced Jimmy to the Freedom Worship Center (http://www.fwcjax.org/). Through the wonderful family he found there (including the Larsons, David & Beth Love, Jarrod Plumley, Rob Bourque, and Chip Perry, just to name a few). He also met some other wonderful Christians while he was in NC (including the Howells and Sonny). I am forever indebted to all of these people. You showed Jimmy the Lord's love. You saved him. Through your love for the Lord and for Jimmy, you have brought peace in the knowledge that Jimmy has gone home to his heavenly father.

I lost my only brother 4 years ago, but I gained countless other brothers and sisters. We as a family have managed to maintain some key relationship with others who loved Jimmy. We have spent time with them, kept in touch through facebook and cell phones, we have seen some get married, and seen others expand their family. It brings an overwhelming feeling of peace to know that in some (although probably small) way Jimmy impacted all of these peoples lives. He showed them the love that the Lord showed him. He offered them a Jimmy hug when needed, and shot them a Jimmy smile all the time!

It took me almost 3 years to see that Jimmy was right. The Lord is good!! His plan is good!!! Through Jimmy's faith I have finally found my faith. I have found Christians like those that Jimmy found. They love through my faults, they SHOW God's love. I have finally accepted the Lord's love and grace into my life. I have been trying to live my life as best as I can. I have become a Middle School Leader and I love showing the children God's love. I pray often that the children may learn from my mistakes and not live in the darkness for as long as I did.

Today will be a hard day. There is no doubt in my mind that I will cry. I will probably continue to ask God "why', but I do know the answer is "because I said so"!

I have faith in the Lord. I have faith that Jimmy was saved. And for the first time I have faith that through trust in the Lord, he is showing the answers to all of the questions and heal all wounds.