Start by getting your mind out of the gutter!!!!
I have never been close with other girls/women. Throughout school I had some female friends, but every female friendship I had pretty much fell apart. Girls have a horrible tendency to be catty, malicious, jealous, petty, and in most cases just plain old DUMB!! Plus, I never really understood the whole hair/makeup/ look cute & fake all the time crap. I just always got a long better with the guys.
I like being "one of the guys". I LOVE sports, cars, being outside, and being a sarcastic ass. I always fit in as one of the guys and I was perfectly happy that way. However, it is hard to have guy friends while dating... guys have jealousy issues, even if they say they don't usually.
All of the royal wedding hoopla in the last couple weeks has made being single hard. I am normally ok with being single. I would rather be single than be with someone I shouldn't be with. And I am ok waiting until I find the man that I am meant to spend the rest of my life with. However, all the talk of the happy couple, and then watching the wedding today did make me wish that I had that special someone. I don’t think there is 1 person in the 2+billion who watched the wedding that didn’t say how easy it was to see the love between Will & Kate; and I don’t know any of my single friends who doesn’t dream about finding a love like that. I know I know, I'm wonderful and any man would be lucky to have me.. blah blah blah blah blah.
Today as everyone sat around and watched as Will & Kate showed the world what "true love" looks like, I watched (not gonna lie about that), and was a little jealous. But I realized that I really do have SO much love around me; that romantic love can wait. It feels like the Lord keeps sending me wonderful women to fill my life with beautiful friendships.
One of my female friends from collage and I reconnected when she invited me to this wonderful church. She and I have grown closer over the last year than we were the entire time we were in college (well except the weekend we spent in a tent... but that may be a story for another day)!!
Although there are many wonderful women that I have met through church who have all shown me God's love in many ways, I have made one friend at church who has shown me more about pure Christian love than anyone else. A few people from church asked if I knew her and told me that I had to get to know her.... they were right!! She and I have had similar experiences in life; and she is so full of love, wisdom and compassion!!! The Lord bringing her into my life has been so moving and a blessing beyond words.
A couple of weeks ago at the gym my trainer told me that she had someone that I "just HAVE To meet". I laughed at her and told her that I wasn't interested in being hooked up with anyone. Her response of "No, it's a girl" got an even bigger laugh out of me. My trainer didn't take no for an answer and kept telling me all about this girl that is soooo much like me. Finally I gave in and let her introduce me to a new friend. Lol.... Well the trainer is always right!! Lauren and I hit it off right away and now I have a new gym buddy who will keep me motivated!!!
I am soooo blessed to have such wonderful new women coming into my life and helping me to broaden my horizons and better myself each and every day. Who needs a boyfriend when you can have this much fun with wonderful friends?!?!
Friday, April 29, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Easter Blessings
Yesterday was so busy that I didn't have time to write, but I think that is a good thing because it get me time to pray and reflect on the day.
I don't know why but I was nervous about yesterday. On Saturday night I was fidgety and didn't get any sleep (I didn't fall asleep until almost 2am and had to be up by 5:30 to get ready for church). I was completely exhausted from the race and the rest of the day, but sleep just wasn't coming.
When I woke up on Sunday morning I was awake, for getting less than 4 hours of sleep I was a lot more awake than I thought I would have been. My mind was racing with everything I needed to do before church. Because my church doesn't have a dedicated space we have to "set up" every week before church. For the holidays we actually use a very large local theater so that we can accommodate more people, however that requires more set-up. Megan and I got there early and helped unload all the guys’ trucks w/ the sound equipment, instruments, communion table, etc. Then we started setting up and getting everything ready.
It wasn't until everything was set up and finally sat down that I realized "WOW today is Easter, the Lord is RISEN!!!" Although I have been a Catholic my whole life Easter was always just another Sunday, except Easter Sunday I always had to get dressed up, deal with the extra 500 people who ONLY go to church on Easter & Christmas, and then go to my aunt's house for dinner at 2pm after church. Easter was more about ritual and doing things I would rather not be doing. Sitting in the theater yesterday morning I was feeling excited and scared at the same time.
For the first time I felt a real excitement for Easter, Jesus Christ has RISEN!! He has risen and in rising he has taken away my sins and reconnected me with our true and loving Father. How lucky am I!!
But I was also feeling scared. How unworthy am I of his love? I turned my back on him for so many years and I not only turned my back but I was angry and full of malice. I sat there yesterday and part of me really wanted to get up and leave because I really didn't feel worthy to be there... until the service started.
That many people lifting their voices in song to worship the Lord was breathtaking.... and then Christian began his sermon...
Christian's sermon focused on John chapter 21, when Jesus visits Peter and the other fishermen on the beach after he rose from the dead. The parallels between the story of Peter's denial and Jesus’ visit can't be denied. Peter denied Jesus 3 times next to a charcoal fire, and then told Jesus that he loves him 3 times next to a charcoal fire. Jesus came to Peter and asked him if he loved him. Jesus didn't say anything about Peter's denial. He didn't admonish Peter for the denial. He didn't tell Peter to prove he love on the spot, or to deny his denial. Jesus simply told Peter to feed & tend to his flock.
Jesus didn't hold Peter's past against him, he simply asked him to move toward the future. Jesus asked him to change his behavior going forward. I can do that!! I have been a denier in the past, but I will not be a denier in the future. As I walk on this journey of living a Christian life I will learn more, I will do more, I will love more, and I will share more.
I don't know everything, and I never will, but I do know that the Lord loves me, he had forgiven me, and he has taken my sin. In exchange he wants me to love others and show them the love and compassion that he has shown me. I can do that!!
I am so blessed to be part of a community that brings such blessings week after week and I pray that as I continue to grow in my faith I will be able to help others, the way that others have helped me.
I don't know why but I was nervous about yesterday. On Saturday night I was fidgety and didn't get any sleep (I didn't fall asleep until almost 2am and had to be up by 5:30 to get ready for church). I was completely exhausted from the race and the rest of the day, but sleep just wasn't coming.
When I woke up on Sunday morning I was awake, for getting less than 4 hours of sleep I was a lot more awake than I thought I would have been. My mind was racing with everything I needed to do before church. Because my church doesn't have a dedicated space we have to "set up" every week before church. For the holidays we actually use a very large local theater so that we can accommodate more people, however that requires more set-up. Megan and I got there early and helped unload all the guys’ trucks w/ the sound equipment, instruments, communion table, etc. Then we started setting up and getting everything ready.
It wasn't until everything was set up and finally sat down that I realized "WOW today is Easter, the Lord is RISEN!!!" Although I have been a Catholic my whole life Easter was always just another Sunday, except Easter Sunday I always had to get dressed up, deal with the extra 500 people who ONLY go to church on Easter & Christmas, and then go to my aunt's house for dinner at 2pm after church. Easter was more about ritual and doing things I would rather not be doing. Sitting in the theater yesterday morning I was feeling excited and scared at the same time.
For the first time I felt a real excitement for Easter, Jesus Christ has RISEN!! He has risen and in rising he has taken away my sins and reconnected me with our true and loving Father. How lucky am I!!
But I was also feeling scared. How unworthy am I of his love? I turned my back on him for so many years and I not only turned my back but I was angry and full of malice. I sat there yesterday and part of me really wanted to get up and leave because I really didn't feel worthy to be there... until the service started.
That many people lifting their voices in song to worship the Lord was breathtaking.... and then Christian began his sermon...
Christian's sermon focused on John chapter 21, when Jesus visits Peter and the other fishermen on the beach after he rose from the dead. The parallels between the story of Peter's denial and Jesus’ visit can't be denied. Peter denied Jesus 3 times next to a charcoal fire, and then told Jesus that he loves him 3 times next to a charcoal fire. Jesus came to Peter and asked him if he loved him. Jesus didn't say anything about Peter's denial. He didn't admonish Peter for the denial. He didn't tell Peter to prove he love on the spot, or to deny his denial. Jesus simply told Peter to feed & tend to his flock.
Jesus didn't hold Peter's past against him, he simply asked him to move toward the future. Jesus asked him to change his behavior going forward. I can do that!! I have been a denier in the past, but I will not be a denier in the future. As I walk on this journey of living a Christian life I will learn more, I will do more, I will love more, and I will share more.
I don't know everything, and I never will, but I do know that the Lord loves me, he had forgiven me, and he has taken my sin. In exchange he wants me to love others and show them the love and compassion that he has shown me. I can do that!!
I am so blessed to be part of a community that brings such blessings week after week and I pray that as I continue to grow in my faith I will be able to help others, the way that others have helped me.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Understanding the plan!!
I know that the Lord has a plan, and I know that we won't always understand the plan as it is unfolding, but he will show us the plan when he is ready. These facts could not be more clearle shown than this weekend!!
On Thursday I blogged about hurt, anger, and guilt. I was hurt and angry that the Lord decided that Sonny shouldn't be here for Easter. We get so little time every year to be with Sonny and the Lord taking away that time really hurt, and felt like he was punishing me for something unknown. And at the same time I felt guilty, because I do know that the Lord is good and that he loves me and that his plan for me is a good one. I felt guilty in my doubt. I felt angry and completely unworthy at the same time.
Yesterday was Good Friday. The day that Jesus took all of our sins upon himself so that we may be forgiven of our transgressions. I woke up feeling more ashamed of my anger than anything else. Who am I to question the Lord? How weak must my faith be to question him so easily?? How unworthy must I be of his love and compassion?? I decided to attend a Good Friday service that was a compilation of about 12 local churches, including my own. 7 pastors/preachers each preached a sermon on one of the seven last words of Jesus, and 5 other pastors/preachers contributed in other prayers. The praise & worship band from my church also provided music. When I got to the church, I felt completely inadequate again. My church is very laid back and relaxed in dress code; the church that was hosting was NOT. Everyone had one suits and dresses, my jeans, sweater, and rainbows were sticking out like a sore thumb. I sat down before the service began and I prayed, I prayed for forgiveness and I prayed for help. Help in understanding, and help in faith, unconditional, and unquestioning faith.
As the service started I looked at the program and realized that our pastor (Christian) wasn't preaching at the service. Instead Jarred was preaching. Jarred preaches at our church on weekends Christian is away, or busy. Jarred and his wife Kim have really opened themselves up and helped me to move forward in my faith, through genuine friendship and guidance. I sat in the service and pastor after pastor preached on the last words of Jesus Christ, coming from different gospels. Each pastor had different insight and a different take, but the unity of the sermons really flowed in the love that Jesus had for us and how he suffered BECAUSE he loved us. He didn't have to die on the cross, he didn't have to endure the humiliation of carrying the cross, but he CHOSE to do those things to save us from our transgressions and pay for our sins against the old covenant.
Then it was Jarred's turn to preach.... Jarred was preaching on Abandonment: my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46). Jarred recounted last words from many great people throughout history, all secure in their faith that they were going to heaven and nothing else mattered, or they were going to hell and happy with that too. Then Jarred said something that never would have dawned on me..... In Jesus’ last dying moments, he DOUBTED!!!! Jesus knew the Lord's plan; he KNEW why the plan was the way it was; he knew that he had accepted it; he knew and accepted that he was going to die for the sins of humanity... and yet he still doubted his father's love. If Jesus had doubts, I think it is natural for us to have doubts at times; faith is how we deal with those doubts. Do we let the doubts consume us a drive us away from our loving Savior? Or do we pray on our doubts and allow or Father into our hearts to help heard us back into the flock?
Last night I went to an Evensong service w/ my church. For those of you who don't know, Evensong is an old tradition of people getting together in song to praise the Lord. It is typically about an hour, and is a combination of songs w/ reading from the scripture and prayers. Last night we had a LOT of people come to Evensong, more people than I think any other Evensong I have been to. Being in a small room with than many other Christians, most of whom I knew and consider friends, was completely breathtaking. While listening to that many people moved by the word of God, and lifting up voices in praise to him, I was filled with an overwhelming sense of peace and love. I came home last night feeling confidant in God's love for me, although I still didn't understand his plan.
Today I learned the plan! One of the things Sonny & I were going to do this weekend was run a 5K... Let me preface this by letting the world know that I am NOT a runner, I never have been, and I doubt that I ever will be. However, this was one of those "I can do this" challenges to myself. This race just happened to be this weekend, and Sonny was going to be up, so who better to push me to do this than my little brother?? This race also happens to be the only race that Jimmy and Megan (my little sister) ever ran together. It was like it was meant to be. I woke and felt sad that Sonny wouldn't be here, but I had decided that I was going to finish this race for myself and for Sonny. I woke up and came downstairs to have some breakfast before I looked out the window... COMPLETE DOWNPOUR!!!! It was raining, and cold, and NASTY... a perfect day to curl up w/ a book and a hot tea, or a good movie and popcorn... and yet I was going to go outside, and try and run 3.11 miles... at the boardwalk, right on the water!?!? Am I insane!?!? I said a prayer and I set goals... I know that I don't have the endurance to run the whole thing, so I set 3 goals that I thought I could obtain... #1- Finish #2- Don't get hurt #3- Don't be last.... those were the only real goals. Secretly I wanted to finish in under 45mins.
My friend Aimee was also running this race and before the race started she and I were talking and I told her what happened w/ Sonny and how crazy I must be to be doing this in the weather. She looked at me and said "you know Jimmy is laughing his ass off right". She couldn't have been more right! I know that Jimmy was laughing at me, while I was trying to jog in the rain & the wind, I was soaking wet & freezing.... BUT.... I finished... I didn't hurt myself (or anyone else!), and I wasn't last.... and the bonus... I finished in 45mins!!! I know that this isn't a great time, BUT I achieved all the goals I set for myself, so I consider today a win!!
After the race I texted Sonny. I miss him so much and I wished he was there, but at least technology was on my side! Come to find out, Sonny is sick and spent all day yesterday in bed. So although I didn't understand the plan I do now!! If Sonny had come up here, I know he would have wanted to run this race, and he would have gotten even sicker. Although I didn't like his plan when it unfolded, I understand it now.
This weekend has been a roller coaster of emotion for me, but I feel like I have learned sooo much this weekend. I have learned more about trust, faith, friendship, endurance, prayer, and more than anything I have learned more about myself. Trust is something that doesn't come easy to me, trust in myself, trust in others, and even trust in God is difficult for me, but I know that as I continue to grow in my faith, trust will come and I will overcome any obstacles that the Lord intends me to overcome!
On Thursday I blogged about hurt, anger, and guilt. I was hurt and angry that the Lord decided that Sonny shouldn't be here for Easter. We get so little time every year to be with Sonny and the Lord taking away that time really hurt, and felt like he was punishing me for something unknown. And at the same time I felt guilty, because I do know that the Lord is good and that he loves me and that his plan for me is a good one. I felt guilty in my doubt. I felt angry and completely unworthy at the same time.
Yesterday was Good Friday. The day that Jesus took all of our sins upon himself so that we may be forgiven of our transgressions. I woke up feeling more ashamed of my anger than anything else. Who am I to question the Lord? How weak must my faith be to question him so easily?? How unworthy must I be of his love and compassion?? I decided to attend a Good Friday service that was a compilation of about 12 local churches, including my own. 7 pastors/preachers each preached a sermon on one of the seven last words of Jesus, and 5 other pastors/preachers contributed in other prayers. The praise & worship band from my church also provided music. When I got to the church, I felt completely inadequate again. My church is very laid back and relaxed in dress code; the church that was hosting was NOT. Everyone had one suits and dresses, my jeans, sweater, and rainbows were sticking out like a sore thumb. I sat down before the service began and I prayed, I prayed for forgiveness and I prayed for help. Help in understanding, and help in faith, unconditional, and unquestioning faith.
As the service started I looked at the program and realized that our pastor (Christian) wasn't preaching at the service. Instead Jarred was preaching. Jarred preaches at our church on weekends Christian is away, or busy. Jarred and his wife Kim have really opened themselves up and helped me to move forward in my faith, through genuine friendship and guidance. I sat in the service and pastor after pastor preached on the last words of Jesus Christ, coming from different gospels. Each pastor had different insight and a different take, but the unity of the sermons really flowed in the love that Jesus had for us and how he suffered BECAUSE he loved us. He didn't have to die on the cross, he didn't have to endure the humiliation of carrying the cross, but he CHOSE to do those things to save us from our transgressions and pay for our sins against the old covenant.
Then it was Jarred's turn to preach.... Jarred was preaching on Abandonment: my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46). Jarred recounted last words from many great people throughout history, all secure in their faith that they were going to heaven and nothing else mattered, or they were going to hell and happy with that too. Then Jarred said something that never would have dawned on me..... In Jesus’ last dying moments, he DOUBTED!!!! Jesus knew the Lord's plan; he KNEW why the plan was the way it was; he knew that he had accepted it; he knew and accepted that he was going to die for the sins of humanity... and yet he still doubted his father's love. If Jesus had doubts, I think it is natural for us to have doubts at times; faith is how we deal with those doubts. Do we let the doubts consume us a drive us away from our loving Savior? Or do we pray on our doubts and allow or Father into our hearts to help heard us back into the flock?
Last night I went to an Evensong service w/ my church. For those of you who don't know, Evensong is an old tradition of people getting together in song to praise the Lord. It is typically about an hour, and is a combination of songs w/ reading from the scripture and prayers. Last night we had a LOT of people come to Evensong, more people than I think any other Evensong I have been to. Being in a small room with than many other Christians, most of whom I knew and consider friends, was completely breathtaking. While listening to that many people moved by the word of God, and lifting up voices in praise to him, I was filled with an overwhelming sense of peace and love. I came home last night feeling confidant in God's love for me, although I still didn't understand his plan.
Today I learned the plan! One of the things Sonny & I were going to do this weekend was run a 5K... Let me preface this by letting the world know that I am NOT a runner, I never have been, and I doubt that I ever will be. However, this was one of those "I can do this" challenges to myself. This race just happened to be this weekend, and Sonny was going to be up, so who better to push me to do this than my little brother?? This race also happens to be the only race that Jimmy and Megan (my little sister) ever ran together. It was like it was meant to be. I woke and felt sad that Sonny wouldn't be here, but I had decided that I was going to finish this race for myself and for Sonny. I woke up and came downstairs to have some breakfast before I looked out the window... COMPLETE DOWNPOUR!!!! It was raining, and cold, and NASTY... a perfect day to curl up w/ a book and a hot tea, or a good movie and popcorn... and yet I was going to go outside, and try and run 3.11 miles... at the boardwalk, right on the water!?!? Am I insane!?!? I said a prayer and I set goals... I know that I don't have the endurance to run the whole thing, so I set 3 goals that I thought I could obtain... #1- Finish #2- Don't get hurt #3- Don't be last.... those were the only real goals. Secretly I wanted to finish in under 45mins.
My friend Aimee was also running this race and before the race started she and I were talking and I told her what happened w/ Sonny and how crazy I must be to be doing this in the weather. She looked at me and said "you know Jimmy is laughing his ass off right". She couldn't have been more right! I know that Jimmy was laughing at me, while I was trying to jog in the rain & the wind, I was soaking wet & freezing.... BUT.... I finished... I didn't hurt myself (or anyone else!), and I wasn't last.... and the bonus... I finished in 45mins!!! I know that this isn't a great time, BUT I achieved all the goals I set for myself, so I consider today a win!!
After the race I texted Sonny. I miss him so much and I wished he was there, but at least technology was on my side! Come to find out, Sonny is sick and spent all day yesterday in bed. So although I didn't understand the plan I do now!! If Sonny had come up here, I know he would have wanted to run this race, and he would have gotten even sicker. Although I didn't like his plan when it unfolded, I understand it now.
This weekend has been a roller coaster of emotion for me, but I feel like I have learned sooo much this weekend. I have learned more about trust, faith, friendship, endurance, prayer, and more than anything I have learned more about myself. Trust is something that doesn't come easy to me, trust in myself, trust in others, and even trust in God is difficult for me, but I know that as I continue to grow in my faith, trust will come and I will overcome any obstacles that the Lord intends me to overcome!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Type A vs. God!!
I am a type A personality, and I will admit it. I am a Leo, don't need to be the center of attention, but I need to know what is going on and how I can make things better. I may even be slightly OCD. I have a need to have a black & white world. Either it is, or it isn't, simple, clean, and easy. I know that life isn't always like this, but it is the way I like it.
In the dating world I have learned that black & white is best, either I like you and want to see what will happen, or I don't and I will be honest about it and pray that you will find your perfect someone. This is life. However, the Lord has been clearly showing me recently that no matter how much I want a simple life, that just isn't his plan for me right now.
I am used to uncertainty in the dating world. The Lord has shown me that over and over again. I have been on the other side of guys who are "just not that into me" and can't be honest about it. Although I still don't like gray in the dating scene I understand it and have learned that it really is in the Lord's hands. Knowing that I also know that he loves me more than any man here on earth will, and I'm OK with that, because it is BLACK & WHITE!!
However, the rest of my world has turned gray this week and as hard as I am trying to trust, trying to pray, and reminding myself that his plan is a good one because he loves me, I am still struggling!
I have been looking forward to my friend Sonny coming to visit for Easter. Sonny is like my little brother. I love him like a brother. We usually only get to see him for a long weekend every year because he lives down south and is super busy. However, this was the first year that I didn't have to work and could really spend a lot of quality time with him. He was going to run my first 5K with me, we had planned a night out w/ everyone, and a bunch of just hanging together. Also, this was the first year I could share my faith over this wonderful holiday. Sonny is a Christian, but this was a part of his life that I never shared and I was soooo happy that I could finally share faith with him. Sonny was supposed to fly up from Georgia today, but due to circumstances he missed his flight this morning. He spent all day in the Atlanta airport on stand by trying to get here. All day I prayed and I knew that he would get here. Every time my phone went off today, I silently said a mini-prayer before looking at it, hoping for good news.... the news only went from bad to worse. Sonny is not coming :( I know that this is a test of my faith. I KNOW that this is part of the Lord's plan, and for some reason Sonny was not meant to be here. I don't understand it, I don't like it, and my Type A is NOT happy that all the plans are out the window. More than anything I am scared. I am scared to my core not knowing when I will get to see Sonny again. Will I have a job then & not be able to see him? Or God forbid, what if something bad happens before I get to see him again? I am completely torn. I want to accept it and I WANT so badly to have faith in the plan, but I am filled with a fear that I am having trouble shaking.
I am sure that the Lord has something big and wonderful planned this weekend for everyone involved. There is a Good Friday service tomorrow at 12 that I had been wavering on going or not going, I know now that I NEED to be there. There is also an Evensong service tomorrow night that I will make sure to be at, Evensong is always uplifting and wonderful so I'm sure tomorrow will be even better. Saturday is the 5K, I will still run it, and I will push myself harder than ever. And Sunday will be Easter. Sunday I will go to church and I will celebrate the Savior Risen and how miraculous his love for us is.
I know that the Lord must have had plans for Sonny and that Sonny not being here was his doing. I know that he loves all of us and that everything that has happened has happened in a love that is bigger and broader than I will ever understand. I am praying that he will help me to overcome my "Type A" and just be a trusting, following disciple.
Type A= 0
God= 1
Lord Grant me
the Serenity to accept the things I can not change,
the Courage to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.
In the dating world I have learned that black & white is best, either I like you and want to see what will happen, or I don't and I will be honest about it and pray that you will find your perfect someone. This is life. However, the Lord has been clearly showing me recently that no matter how much I want a simple life, that just isn't his plan for me right now.
I am used to uncertainty in the dating world. The Lord has shown me that over and over again. I have been on the other side of guys who are "just not that into me" and can't be honest about it. Although I still don't like gray in the dating scene I understand it and have learned that it really is in the Lord's hands. Knowing that I also know that he loves me more than any man here on earth will, and I'm OK with that, because it is BLACK & WHITE!!
However, the rest of my world has turned gray this week and as hard as I am trying to trust, trying to pray, and reminding myself that his plan is a good one because he loves me, I am still struggling!
I have been looking forward to my friend Sonny coming to visit for Easter. Sonny is like my little brother. I love him like a brother. We usually only get to see him for a long weekend every year because he lives down south and is super busy. However, this was the first year that I didn't have to work and could really spend a lot of quality time with him. He was going to run my first 5K with me, we had planned a night out w/ everyone, and a bunch of just hanging together. Also, this was the first year I could share my faith over this wonderful holiday. Sonny is a Christian, but this was a part of his life that I never shared and I was soooo happy that I could finally share faith with him. Sonny was supposed to fly up from Georgia today, but due to circumstances he missed his flight this morning. He spent all day in the Atlanta airport on stand by trying to get here. All day I prayed and I knew that he would get here. Every time my phone went off today, I silently said a mini-prayer before looking at it, hoping for good news.... the news only went from bad to worse. Sonny is not coming :( I know that this is a test of my faith. I KNOW that this is part of the Lord's plan, and for some reason Sonny was not meant to be here. I don't understand it, I don't like it, and my Type A is NOT happy that all the plans are out the window. More than anything I am scared. I am scared to my core not knowing when I will get to see Sonny again. Will I have a job then & not be able to see him? Or God forbid, what if something bad happens before I get to see him again? I am completely torn. I want to accept it and I WANT so badly to have faith in the plan, but I am filled with a fear that I am having trouble shaking.
I am sure that the Lord has something big and wonderful planned this weekend for everyone involved. There is a Good Friday service tomorrow at 12 that I had been wavering on going or not going, I know now that I NEED to be there. There is also an Evensong service tomorrow night that I will make sure to be at, Evensong is always uplifting and wonderful so I'm sure tomorrow will be even better. Saturday is the 5K, I will still run it, and I will push myself harder than ever. And Sunday will be Easter. Sunday I will go to church and I will celebrate the Savior Risen and how miraculous his love for us is.
I know that the Lord must have had plans for Sonny and that Sonny not being here was his doing. I know that he loves all of us and that everything that has happened has happened in a love that is bigger and broader than I will ever understand. I am praying that he will help me to overcome my "Type A" and just be a trusting, following disciple.
Type A= 0
God= 1
Lord Grant me
the Serenity to accept the things I can not change,
the Courage to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Wants & Needs
This week I have had the worst writer's block... or actually it was more like "writer's diarrhea"... I know that isn't really a proper term, but that is sure what it felt like.. every time I went to write something, 50 unrelated things would come out. It was hard for me to follow, so I didn't think anyone else would be able to follow and I threw out a lot of writing this week. I tried to write about trust; I tried to write about patience; I tried to write about feeling lost, and the more I tried to write the more lost I got....
The last two days I feel like I am following the breadcrumbs back through the woods to get home and I am feeling much more like myself and less lost everyday.
Yesterday our Pastor, Christian, preached on the letter to the church in Laodicea in the book of Revelations. This was the seventh in a sermon series where he has looked at each of the letters. This one hit HARD!!! After church, a bunch of us went out to lunch (as always) and a very good friend of mine suggested that I read a book called Knowing God by J. I. Packer. I honestly thought I would pick it up, and breeze through it.. I was WRONG. I have started reading this book, and it is hitting me HARD!! These have challanged me to look at where I am in life and in my relationship with the community around me, and most impartantly where I am in my relationship w/ God.
In this Easter season, I feel, like no other time in my life, that I have SOOO much to be thankful for, and for the FIRST time, the thing I am MOST thankful for is LOVE. No, not external puppy dog love, not lust, not familial love, but true, body warming, internal, spiritual LOVE!!! For the first time in my life, I am looking at my faults, my sins, my unworthiness, and I KNOW that through all of that, God loves ME, and Jesus has taken all of my hurt, my pain, my sins, my unworthiness upon himself so that I CAN receive that love.
This newly realized love inspired me to do something today that I have been avoiding, and hiding from for almost 4 years. Before Jimmy passed away, he won an Indiana Guitar company red acoustic guitar, signed by the members of Mercy Me, Story Side B, and NeverTheLess. For those of you who don't know (I didn't know the last 2 until today), look them up, they are all Christian rock bands, and they are pretty good! (Who am I kidding? Mercy Me ROCKS). The guitar has been sitting in Jimmy's closet since he passed. I asked my parents if I could have it years ago, and it has been in the closet waiting for me. For a while now, I thought of doing a focal wall in my room, with the guitar in the middle, and crosses around it, kind of random & fun.
However, as has been a lot of my life, it was all talk. I was scared to do it, so I made excuses, no time, no space, etc. Now that I've had time, I kept putting it off, do I deserve to have the guitar, can I actually put it up, without having it fall off the wall and break? I now have no questions!! I decided that today was the day! I prayed about it a lot this morning, and this afternoon, I just went for it.
For those of you who don't really know me, one thing you should know about me is that I am NOT handy, not even close & not in any sense of the word. I can't even nail a proper nail! Forget power tools!! But with prayer (and I think Jimmy pitching in a little too) I got it done. I used the power drill & the stud finder; and I hung the guitar, with TWO guitar arms, and then I started hanging the crosses. (Mini sales pitch- if you haven't tried Monkey Hooks, go buy them... NOW. They are for hanging things in dry wall.. SOOOOOO easy strong!) It took me most of the afternoon to get the wall, and the pictures on the dresser below, put all together. But, when I took a step back and looked, I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, a huge rush of emotion, and tears.
This love is greater than anything earthly. It is completely unexplainable, and completely sustainable at the same time!! I keep saying that I am SOOO blessed, but that is the understatement of the year. No matter what I want (to write this blog, to find "the one", to settle down), NONE of that matters. The Lord has been giving me everything that I need (at the right time) in life to be happy, he has given me more love than I could ever ask for here on earth. My wants don't matter, and my needs have been met!! Life has never been better for me.
This week should be a true joy! Sonny (my adopted little brother) is coming to visit for a long Easter weekend, there is a Good Friday Service and Evensong service on Friday that I am very exited for, I am running (or walking) my first 5K on Saturday, and then Easter is on Sunday.... SUCH BLESSINGS!!!
The last two days I feel like I am following the breadcrumbs back through the woods to get home and I am feeling much more like myself and less lost everyday.
Yesterday our Pastor, Christian, preached on the letter to the church in Laodicea in the book of Revelations. This was the seventh in a sermon series where he has looked at each of the letters. This one hit HARD!!! After church, a bunch of us went out to lunch (as always) and a very good friend of mine suggested that I read a book called Knowing God by J. I. Packer. I honestly thought I would pick it up, and breeze through it.. I was WRONG. I have started reading this book, and it is hitting me HARD!! These have challanged me to look at where I am in life and in my relationship with the community around me, and most impartantly where I am in my relationship w/ God.
In this Easter season, I feel, like no other time in my life, that I have SOOO much to be thankful for, and for the FIRST time, the thing I am MOST thankful for is LOVE. No, not external puppy dog love, not lust, not familial love, but true, body warming, internal, spiritual LOVE!!! For the first time in my life, I am looking at my faults, my sins, my unworthiness, and I KNOW that through all of that, God loves ME, and Jesus has taken all of my hurt, my pain, my sins, my unworthiness upon himself so that I CAN receive that love.
This newly realized love inspired me to do something today that I have been avoiding, and hiding from for almost 4 years. Before Jimmy passed away, he won an Indiana Guitar company red acoustic guitar, signed by the members of Mercy Me, Story Side B, and NeverTheLess. For those of you who don't know (I didn't know the last 2 until today), look them up, they are all Christian rock bands, and they are pretty good! (Who am I kidding? Mercy Me ROCKS). The guitar has been sitting in Jimmy's closet since he passed. I asked my parents if I could have it years ago, and it has been in the closet waiting for me. For a while now, I thought of doing a focal wall in my room, with the guitar in the middle, and crosses around it, kind of random & fun.
However, as has been a lot of my life, it was all talk. I was scared to do it, so I made excuses, no time, no space, etc. Now that I've had time, I kept putting it off, do I deserve to have the guitar, can I actually put it up, without having it fall off the wall and break? I now have no questions!! I decided that today was the day! I prayed about it a lot this morning, and this afternoon, I just went for it.
For those of you who don't really know me, one thing you should know about me is that I am NOT handy, not even close & not in any sense of the word. I can't even nail a proper nail! Forget power tools!! But with prayer (and I think Jimmy pitching in a little too) I got it done. I used the power drill & the stud finder; and I hung the guitar, with TWO guitar arms, and then I started hanging the crosses. (Mini sales pitch- if you haven't tried Monkey Hooks, go buy them... NOW. They are for hanging things in dry wall.. SOOOOOO easy strong!) It took me most of the afternoon to get the wall, and the pictures on the dresser below, put all together. But, when I took a step back and looked, I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, a huge rush of emotion, and tears.
This love is greater than anything earthly. It is completely unexplainable, and completely sustainable at the same time!! I keep saying that I am SOOO blessed, but that is the understatement of the year. No matter what I want (to write this blog, to find "the one", to settle down), NONE of that matters. The Lord has been giving me everything that I need (at the right time) in life to be happy, he has given me more love than I could ever ask for here on earth. My wants don't matter, and my needs have been met!! Life has never been better for me.
This week should be a true joy! Sonny (my adopted little brother) is coming to visit for a long Easter weekend, there is a Good Friday Service and Evensong service on Friday that I am very exited for, I am running (or walking) my first 5K on Saturday, and then Easter is on Sunday.... SUCH BLESSINGS!!!
Sunday, April 10, 2011
How 1 Question Can Change Your Life!!
I had planned on writing on more of the history, and how I found God's grace.... However, as I sit here tonight I am having so many mixed emotions about today that my head is spinning.
This time last year I was in a rough spot. Since Jimmy passed away I had been in my fair share of failed relationships, some were really bad and destructive, and some were just not meant to be. I went through a phase where alcohol and partying were all I wanted to do, and I was ok with just being seen as an object. By this time last year, I felt completely lost. I felt like I was just an empty shell, going to work, coming home, going out with random guys, having fun on the outside, and all the time feeling like something was missing.
I thought for a long time about what was missing. I talked to my friends and my family. I even talked to Jimmy. I thought that maybe, just maybe going to church would help.... so I tried it!! I went back to the church we grew up in.... and I left with the same questions and issues that I had 10 years ago. So... I did what any tech-savy 20-something woman would do.... I went to Facebook! I posted a simple question to all of my friends/family/FB Buddies..... I asked "Is it wrong to go church shopping? I need something more than my church"......
That one simple question changed my life, and continues to change my life in ways that I would have never dreamed of. A couple people responded saying it was fine to shop around. But, an old college friend responded and told me that I had to come try her church. She told me it wasn't anything like the churches I was used to, this church meets in a movie theater, and has a full rock band! I was very skeptical of it, but I agreed to come try it. That one skeptical step was the best step I could have ever taken!
I honestly don't remember the topic of the first service, though I do remember who was preaching. But, what I remember the most from the first service was the overwhelming feelings of peace, love, understanding, and completeness. I felt at home and was even moved to tears during the service. After the service was even better! I met so many wonderful people and they were all genuinely welcoming and loving. They all showed God's love and grace to me, even though they didn't know me, and I felt completely unworthy. I was finally "home".
I have been attending this church weekly; I have joined the set-up crew, and have even become a leader for the Middle School Group. I have also started to read the bible. I know I don't know anything and I know that I will never know everything. I believe that I am saved in his grace and that the Lord has a plan for me and that I don't know, and will never understand the plan. However, I have faith that the plan is good and that he loves me as his child. I continue to learn and grow in my faith. I am currently getting ready to go on a mission trip to Croatia to see what missionary life is like and to see if I like it. I never would have thought that this is where I would be in my life a year ago, but here I am.
I still struggle with my faith, sometimes on a daily basis, and today was one of those days. One of those days where I struggle, and I pray, and I pray, and I struggle. Today's sermon was about opening doors to those around us, welcoming them into our lives and into our faith. The sermon really touched me. And then when the real world stepped in I got a slap in the face. Someone who I have known for a very long time is using Jimmy's name for her own good. It is a long and convoluted story, but it really opened up hurt and anger in me. To see someone I trusted, and Jimmy trusted, use his memory to get what she wants in life, just really bothered me today. I keep saying the Serenity Prayer in my head....
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things (people) I cannot change, the courage to change those that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
For this and other reasons (which will come out at a later date), I believe that the Serenity Prayer is and will be the prayer of my life. Most people know the Serenity Prayer as a prayer of recovery from addiction, but I think the Serenity Prayer is just a prayer of recovery from all that life throws at us.
This time last year I was in a rough spot. Since Jimmy passed away I had been in my fair share of failed relationships, some were really bad and destructive, and some were just not meant to be. I went through a phase where alcohol and partying were all I wanted to do, and I was ok with just being seen as an object. By this time last year, I felt completely lost. I felt like I was just an empty shell, going to work, coming home, going out with random guys, having fun on the outside, and all the time feeling like something was missing.
I thought for a long time about what was missing. I talked to my friends and my family. I even talked to Jimmy. I thought that maybe, just maybe going to church would help.... so I tried it!! I went back to the church we grew up in.... and I left with the same questions and issues that I had 10 years ago. So... I did what any tech-savy 20-something woman would do.... I went to Facebook! I posted a simple question to all of my friends/family/FB Buddies..... I asked "Is it wrong to go church shopping? I need something more than my church"......
That one simple question changed my life, and continues to change my life in ways that I would have never dreamed of. A couple people responded saying it was fine to shop around. But, an old college friend responded and told me that I had to come try her church. She told me it wasn't anything like the churches I was used to, this church meets in a movie theater, and has a full rock band! I was very skeptical of it, but I agreed to come try it. That one skeptical step was the best step I could have ever taken!
I honestly don't remember the topic of the first service, though I do remember who was preaching. But, what I remember the most from the first service was the overwhelming feelings of peace, love, understanding, and completeness. I felt at home and was even moved to tears during the service. After the service was even better! I met so many wonderful people and they were all genuinely welcoming and loving. They all showed God's love and grace to me, even though they didn't know me, and I felt completely unworthy. I was finally "home".
I have been attending this church weekly; I have joined the set-up crew, and have even become a leader for the Middle School Group. I have also started to read the bible. I know I don't know anything and I know that I will never know everything. I believe that I am saved in his grace and that the Lord has a plan for me and that I don't know, and will never understand the plan. However, I have faith that the plan is good and that he loves me as his child. I continue to learn and grow in my faith. I am currently getting ready to go on a mission trip to Croatia to see what missionary life is like and to see if I like it. I never would have thought that this is where I would be in my life a year ago, but here I am.
I still struggle with my faith, sometimes on a daily basis, and today was one of those days. One of those days where I struggle, and I pray, and I pray, and I struggle. Today's sermon was about opening doors to those around us, welcoming them into our lives and into our faith. The sermon really touched me. And then when the real world stepped in I got a slap in the face. Someone who I have known for a very long time is using Jimmy's name for her own good. It is a long and convoluted story, but it really opened up hurt and anger in me. To see someone I trusted, and Jimmy trusted, use his memory to get what she wants in life, just really bothered me today. I keep saying the Serenity Prayer in my head....
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things (people) I cannot change, the courage to change those that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
For this and other reasons (which will come out at a later date), I believe that the Serenity Prayer is and will be the prayer of my life. Most people know the Serenity Prayer as a prayer of recovery from addiction, but I think the Serenity Prayer is just a prayer of recovery from all that life throws at us.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Worth a Try.....
I have always enjoyed writing as a way of clearing my head and answering my own questions... recently more and more of my friends have been blogging, so I thought maybe this would be a good idea to try....
For those of you who don't know me, a little bit of background may help to clarify the blog title...
I grew up in an Italian/Irish Catholic household. I am the oldest of 3 kids, who were all baptised, communed, and were confirmed in the Catholic church. After confirmation we all walked away from the church. I can't speak for my brother or sister, but I can say for me that there were too many questions that I had about the faith, that no one could answer. I also had a big issue with the amount of money the church was continuously looking for and pushing for.
About 7 years ago, my little brother, Jimmy, joined the United States Marine Corps. After 9-11 Jimmy set his sites on the Marines and never looked back, he wanted to be the best of the best. He served his first tour of duty in Kuwait & Iraq. When he came home he was injured in a training accident and almost died. After the accident, a very good friend of his invited him to a Christian Church called Freedom Worship Center, in Jacksonville, NC. Jimmy fell in love with this church and became very active in the community.
At this point in time I was working full time (and more than full time most of the time), I was also engaged to a man who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Jimmy tried to talk to me about his faith, and he tried to show me the light, and I laughed. I didn't have time, and since when is God interested in our lives? Why would he care about me? I wasn't anything special, I wasn't a nun, I wasn't clergy. God wouldn't listen to me, so why should I care what he thought of me?
Jimmy met a wonderful Christian woman (Becca), and got engaged. He then left for his second tour of duty. This tour was all over the world on a Marine Expeditionary Unit (MEU). When he came home his wedding was planned, and it was before mine. I had pushed my wedding back to ensure he could be there for it, and he planned his wedding before mine! I was soooo angry and hurt I didn't even have words for it. I didn't go with the family for his homecoming, and when we spoke later on that week, we got into a big fight. He didn't understand why, and didn't care that I was hurt and angry.
Two weeks after our fight, with no conversation in between, my brother passed away. He, and a very good friend named Sonny, were moving Becca from school in DC, back home to NC so that Jimmy & Becca could start their life together. On the drive back, Jimmy and Sonny both fell asleep. Jimmy was driving when the truck they were in drifted of the road and hit a tree. The internal injuries were too much for Jimmy to take.
The next week was chaotic, we had the services here in NJ, and EVERYONE came. In the mean time, my fiance and I had been having some troubles. I was losing a lot of wait, he was getting jealous, and I wasn't really doing anything to help him through it. The week we lost Jimmy I was in full family mode, I was cooking, cleaning, organizing, and doing whatever I could for the family. It was all too much for my fiance to take and we broke up less than 3 weeks later (after much fighting and soul searching).
Within a month I lost my little brother, my fiance, and my life. Why should I trust God? He was obviously not there for me, or Jimmy. Jimmy trusted him, followed him, loved him, and yet he turned his back on Jimmy. If God wasn't there for a disciple like Jimmy, then he obviously couldn't care about me.
That is where my "journey" started... I have no idea where it will end, but I do know that it is and will continue to be an adventure, full of wonderful people, and some not-so wonderful ones too. I know that I will make mistakes along the way, and (without ruining the plot line) I know that the Lord has lighted this path and no matter how much I may not like it, this path will ultimately be a good one.
For those of you who don't know me, a little bit of background may help to clarify the blog title...
I grew up in an Italian/Irish Catholic household. I am the oldest of 3 kids, who were all baptised, communed, and were confirmed in the Catholic church. After confirmation we all walked away from the church. I can't speak for my brother or sister, but I can say for me that there were too many questions that I had about the faith, that no one could answer. I also had a big issue with the amount of money the church was continuously looking for and pushing for.
About 7 years ago, my little brother, Jimmy, joined the United States Marine Corps. After 9-11 Jimmy set his sites on the Marines and never looked back, he wanted to be the best of the best. He served his first tour of duty in Kuwait & Iraq. When he came home he was injured in a training accident and almost died. After the accident, a very good friend of his invited him to a Christian Church called Freedom Worship Center, in Jacksonville, NC. Jimmy fell in love with this church and became very active in the community.
At this point in time I was working full time (and more than full time most of the time), I was also engaged to a man who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Jimmy tried to talk to me about his faith, and he tried to show me the light, and I laughed. I didn't have time, and since when is God interested in our lives? Why would he care about me? I wasn't anything special, I wasn't a nun, I wasn't clergy. God wouldn't listen to me, so why should I care what he thought of me?
Jimmy met a wonderful Christian woman (Becca), and got engaged. He then left for his second tour of duty. This tour was all over the world on a Marine Expeditionary Unit (MEU). When he came home his wedding was planned, and it was before mine. I had pushed my wedding back to ensure he could be there for it, and he planned his wedding before mine! I was soooo angry and hurt I didn't even have words for it. I didn't go with the family for his homecoming, and when we spoke later on that week, we got into a big fight. He didn't understand why, and didn't care that I was hurt and angry.
Two weeks after our fight, with no conversation in between, my brother passed away. He, and a very good friend named Sonny, were moving Becca from school in DC, back home to NC so that Jimmy & Becca could start their life together. On the drive back, Jimmy and Sonny both fell asleep. Jimmy was driving when the truck they were in drifted of the road and hit a tree. The internal injuries were too much for Jimmy to take.
The next week was chaotic, we had the services here in NJ, and EVERYONE came. In the mean time, my fiance and I had been having some troubles. I was losing a lot of wait, he was getting jealous, and I wasn't really doing anything to help him through it. The week we lost Jimmy I was in full family mode, I was cooking, cleaning, organizing, and doing whatever I could for the family. It was all too much for my fiance to take and we broke up less than 3 weeks later (after much fighting and soul searching).
Within a month I lost my little brother, my fiance, and my life. Why should I trust God? He was obviously not there for me, or Jimmy. Jimmy trusted him, followed him, loved him, and yet he turned his back on Jimmy. If God wasn't there for a disciple like Jimmy, then he obviously couldn't care about me.
That is where my "journey" started... I have no idea where it will end, but I do know that it is and will continue to be an adventure, full of wonderful people, and some not-so wonderful ones too. I know that I will make mistakes along the way, and (without ruining the plot line) I know that the Lord has lighted this path and no matter how much I may not like it, this path will ultimately be a good one.
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