How will you be remembered?

This is my Great Uncle Billy... He was my Grandmother's brother... He passed away on July 2nd, and yesterday was his memorial service.

I don't have a lot of vivid memories of Uncle Billy. The only vivid memories I have are from a bbq at his house in Neptune. I remember Uncle Billy saying "get me a beer", and a beer showing up. I also remember the garden by the driveway, the recliner and shag carpet inside. The thing I remember the most vividly was the TON of clams and the pot of melted butter.

This doesn't surprise me... Grandma's FAVORITE food was always steamer clams. There were a lot of similarities between Uncle Billy and my Grandmother. They were both extremely strong, stern (in their own ways), and loving (in their own ways), but above all they were strong. They held their families together and kept their families pushing through, no matter what.

Today's memorial and the events of the past week have had me thinking a lot about how I will be remembered when I pass. (Don't worry, I'm not planning on going any time soon, but you never know.) I have been wondering how people will remember me, and how other people thought they would be remembered, as well as how we REALLY remember those we love after they pass. How do we want to be remembered? Is that how we will be remembered? Is that how the Lord will see us?

Three of Uncle Billy's seven children spoke at the service today. Each one of them spoke from the heart, and each of them struggled to show Uncle Billy in a "good light". They all remembered his strength, but they also remembered his sternness, his toughness, how closed minded he was, and his inability to relax and enjoy life (until his later years). During the sermon the priest spoke about how Uncle Billy was saved by his savior. I got to thinking; I don't think I ever heard of Uncle Billy going to church (except for weddings and funerals).

Through all this I kept thinking and wondering if that was how Uncle Billy wanted to be remembered? I remember Uncle Billy as the type of man who made things happen, an "actions speak louder than words" kind of man. I think the true remembrance is in his family. All of his 7 children are strong willed and wonderful adults. His 13 grandchildren have also begun to show the strong willed and stubbornness that Uncle Billy was known for. Because of Uncle Billy, his family will be able to hold their heads high and know that they have the ability to stand up for what they feel is right, stand against injustices, and conquer anything they put their minds to.

Jimmy is remembered as a brother, son, friend, lifeguard, swimmer, drummer, Marine, and goofball. But when I sat and thought about it, and prayed about it, I really think he would have rather been remembered as a servant.  Jimmy spent his life helping those around him, even before he started following the teachings of Jesus Christ. Jimmy loved those around him and always did whatever he could to cheer up those around him. I know that we all have special memories of Jimmy, but I think he would want to be remembered as a servant of Christ and Christ's message.

That lead me to the question of how I want to be remembered.... Recently a few people (at different times) have told me that I have a "servant's heart". That simple statement has brought such joy and conflict to my heart. It makes me so happy because I want nothing more than to do whatever I can to help those around me in whatever way I can. However, it also weighs heavy on my heart, because it is an honor I don't deserve. I don't do a lot, I'm not an inspiration, I  don't do anything special, I haven't saved a life, or pulled anyone out of trouble. I don't feel like I follow the Lord as I should and I want to be a better Christian, a better witness of Jesus's love and God's compassion. I want to really make a difference and help people!! I pray that the Lord will continue to guide me and continue to bless me with his love and grace. I pray that I will find a job that will allow me to do more to help people. I pray that his will is for me to be a blessing to those around me in any way that I can be. I honestly don't care how the people here on earth will remember me. I pray that I can show everyone I meet at least a little bit of God's love and I pray that they will show that love to someone else and pay it forward, that is what I hope and pray for, that I be forgotten but that the love I showed live on.

Time to get Serious!!!

I have struggled with my weight all my life. I was never an "average" size girl. The last time Jimmy saw me I was 252 pounds:

In March 2007 I has gastric bypass surgery.... I rapidly started losing weight, and over the course of about a year I lost exactly 100 pounds... down to 152!!!

I felt good. I looked good (this picture doesn't do it justice, but I'm HORRIBLE at taking good pictures). But I was happy and healthy. I really wanted to get down to 132, but I was ok at 152.......

Slowly but surly over the last 3 years I have started to gain the weight back.... =(

I am currently at 184 =(

I have been stuck here for a few months now and I am sick of it!!

A few months back I tried a vegan diet, it lasted a little over a week, and then was too hard to follow.

I have been working with a trainer at the gym. 30 minutes twice a week. She is great at kicking my butt. She has been trying telling my to just cut down calories, 1200 per day is all I should need.

I started reading Rocco Dispirito's new book Now Eat This! Diet. He advocates a lower calorie (1200 for women to start) diet. Not cutting things out, just adjusting HOW we eat them. LOTS of recipes with lower calorie substitutes.

The diet starts in the MORNING!!! I am determined to start losing the weight! I am planning on blogging about the journey, sharing recipes that work (and maybe some that don't), and even workout tips (as I get more in shape). I am thinking that by blogging on here I will have more accountability than just doing it on my own. Who knows? Maybe this will work out well and I will by like the Julie & Julia woman! Doubtful, but you never know! HaHaHaHaHaHa

If anyone has suggestions/recipes/tips, please feel free to share!!

A Date!!!

Some people have asked me how I grow in my relationship to God through dating.... I have been struggling with an answer that would be worthy of writing a blog about.... well I got my inspiration today!!!!

I had a DATE!!! With a man we will call Pat.... Pat and I met on a dating website (yes I am on a dating website, but will NOT be much longer)... Pat is 42 (yes I know that is too "old" for me, but age is really just a #) and he has a 10 year old son from a previous marriage that ended a few years ago.....

We have been talking for a while now and I thought I had pre-screened him pretty well. He seemed to be fun, sarcastic, and very intelligent.

The only concern I had was his view on "religion"......His belief is that religions are crap. He thinks that religious people are nothing but lemmings, just following the flow over a cliff. He believes in questioning everything, and I really do mean EVERYTHING!!! (I didn't realize how bad it was until today though)

We met at Penn Station, he lives in Long Island, so I figured that would be the easiest, and a good excuse to head into the city. The whole way up I had a knot in my stomach. I wasn't worried about meeting him. I was worried about whether or not I would be able to defend my faith if the topic came up.... I prayed the whole train ride. I prayed for strength, clarity of mind, and knowledge.

I will be the first one to say that I don't know everything; I don't even know most things about the Bible. BUT, I do know that I believe in God; Jesus was the only Son of God (and was man and God at the same time); Jesus suffered and gave up his pure life to pay the price of my sins so that I can have a relationship with God; and the Bible is the word of the Lord, so above all I want to know the Bible and follow the teachings in the Bible.

Right off the bat when we met, the Lord gave me the strength to stand up and not back down on my point of view. He was very judgmental of everyone around him. Then we walked over to Central Park, talking a little bit along the way. He looked at the tattoo on my foot:

and said "Do you want to explain that?" I explained that it is the first part of John 14:6 in the original Greek and that it translates to mean "I am the way, and the truth, and the life". The response I got was unexpected. He asked why.... I gave my standard response that I like having the constant reminder of what is really important in life, and where I need to keep my focus.... His response was why.. We went back and forth for at least 15 blocks with the answer & why talk, all stemming from my tattoo. Finally when it became obvious that no quality or quantity of answers would stop the whys I asked a question.....

"If you are so against religion, don't believe in the Bible, and that only morons who don't think have faith, then why are you asking all these questions?"

"Because I like knowledge for the sake of knowledge"

After walking around the park for a little bit, it started rain, so we took shelter under a tree.....

It was there that I sat on a bench and watched Central Park go by in the rain. I watched people go by under umbrellas; watched was the rain dripped off the leaves and poured down through the holes in the canopy of leaves. It was beautiful, a break of pure God given beauty and majesty in the middle of midtown Manhattan!

During this break in the walking we got to talking about the difference between our views. Pat explained that he has a hunger to know EVERYTHING. When I asked why the answer I got was "it makes me feel better". He asked why I don't want to know everything.

And it was then; in the rain that it truly hit me. I DON'T want to know everything, because I don't NEED to know everything. The Lord provides me with all that I need. And I can take shelter in my knowledge that if there is something I need to know I will know it. I find peace in being able to see the beauty in the life that the Lord has placed about me. I don't need to know where the water evaporated from that created to the rain in order to appreciate its beauty and splendor.

I told him all of this and he told me that he envied my simpleton mindset!!

It was then that it was time to head back. On the walk back the wind picked up and the rain continued. I was cold, and I was wet, but I was warm on the inside. We made it back to Penn Station and parted ways.

On the way home on the train, I said a prayer; a prayer of thanks and praise. The Lord has allowed me to have a relationship with him, and he has allowed me to grow in my knowledge of him and his love and grace. He has blessed me with the strength to say that I want him to be the center of my world. I want a man who accepts the Lord and who also has a relationship with the Lord!!



Mother's Love

As I have started to walk the path of Christianity I am learning a lot of the differences between the Christian variations in the world. I have also learned how the different sects of Christianity deal with each other and see each other. I was raised Catholic. Growing up, I never quite understood the role of the Blessed Virgin. Recently I have spent time with some other Christians who saw Mary's role in the Catholic Church as pure idolatry. I could understand and respect that position. However, the judgment and anger behind the position left me with more questions about how we as Christians should respond to these issues.

I took my questions to our church administrator. She has been such an amazing blessing in my life on this journey. She is a Catholic, but above all she believes in the Bible, the teachings of Jesus, and God's love and grace. I will never be able to thank her enough for the love, grace, and peace she has brought into my life. I admire her strength, wisdom, and faith more than I can express. She and I sat down a couple of weeks ago and spoke about the role of the Blessed Virgin in the church. She basically left me with the wisdom that it isn't that she worships the Blessed Virgin, but that she asks for help from one mother's heart to another.

I'm going to be 100% honest here and say that I really had NO idea what she meant. I understood the words, but not the magnitude..... until today.

I went to my friend's church this morning for a daily mass. I really felt the need to go to a mass today for Jimmy, and decided to try her church. My friend met me there and held my hand throughout, giving me strength. In the chapel behind the alter, there were big windows that overlooked a small garden with a statue of Mary and Jesus. It was a hot day; the sun was shining brightly through the clear windows. The lush greenery and brightly colored pink and purple flowers seemed to be rising around, protecting, a white stone statue of the Blessed Virgin holding her young son, Jesus, in her arms.

It was there, looking at this statue that I finally understood!! And I realized sitting there in that chapel, that I don't know the true pain of loss, and God willing, I never will. But, the Blessed Virgin did, and my mother does, and most mothers probably have some sort of a clue about what real pain is.

The Lord blesses us with children to raise. They are not our children, they are God's children. He entrusts us with the responsibility to raise them, just as he entrusted Mary over 2000 years ago. Mary raised Jesus the best she could, which is all any mother today can do. Jesus chose to follow his father, to love those around him, and to spread his father's love throughout the world, just as most parents would want their child to do today (just as Jimmy did). Jesus went to the cross freely, he knew that the Lord had a plan for him, and he wanted to fulfill the plan. Jimmy's great line was always "the Lord has a plan for me, it isn't my job to know the plan, and it is just my job to live the plan".

Jesus took the sin of the world upon himself and he suffered with our sins as he hung on the cross. And as he suffered, his mother watched. The mother who nursed him, who watched him grow, who loved and protected him, watched as he hung on the cross. She watched as he took up the crosses of the world, and suffered all the way to his death. I can't begin to imagine the pain that this must have caused Mary. To stand back and watch the son she loved suffer without being about to do anything to take away his pain must have been unbearable for her.

Mary really does have a mother's heart. She knows a mother's pain and suffering. I know that The Lord's has freely blessed me with his love and grace. I know that Jesus Christ sacrificed his life to save mine, and to give me the gift of the new covenant. I also know that a mother who asks for the Lord's help through the strength of the Blessed Virgin will still be blessed with love, grace, and renewed life through the new covenant.

4 Years!

I have been trying to plan this blog for over a month. I wanted to express how hard it is to believe that Jimmy is dead (and not just on a crazy long deployment). I wanted to express how much I miss him. I wanted to express how empty the world feels at times without him here. And I really wanted to express how hard it is to believe that it has been FOUR years already. I have written bits and pieces, and then I have trashed them and started again. As I sat down last night to start typing, I realized that no matter how long I write, or how eloquently I express myself, my words will never be enough to adequately show the size of the hole in my heart and my world without Jimmy here. I miss him 365 days a year, not just 1 or 2.

As I have thought and planned, my heart has been calling to God for answers. Why Jimmy? Why then? Why NOT me? These are all questions that I have asked a million times before. But this year I have started to see the answers and the blessings that have come after........  (I am NOT saying that the hurt is any less, or that I am glad this happened in any way shape or form!!)

Jimmy had faith!! Jimmy KNEW, without a doubt, that the Lord loved him and that he was saved through the Lord's love and grace!! He told me a couple of times (once right before he deployed the last time) that the Lord had a plan for him, and that he didn't care what the plan was, he just wanted to live it. I believe that the Lord's plan for Jimmy was to use him to bring other's together, and to show others the Lord's love.

I want to thank Daniel & Ramee Larson for bringing peace. Daniel and Jimmy were in the same unit in the Marine Corps. Daniel invited Jimmy to church. The Larsons introduced Jimmy to the Freedom Worship Center (http://www.fwcjax.org/). Through the wonderful family he found there (including the Larsons, David & Beth Love, Jarrod Plumley, Rob Bourque, and Chip Perry, just to name a few). He also met some other wonderful Christians while he was in NC (including the Howells and Sonny). I am forever indebted to all of these people. You showed Jimmy the Lord's love. You saved him. Through your love for the Lord and for Jimmy, you have brought peace in the knowledge that Jimmy has gone home to his heavenly father.

I lost my only brother 4 years ago, but I gained countless other brothers and sisters. We as a family have managed to maintain some key relationship with others who loved Jimmy. We have spent time with them, kept in touch through facebook and cell phones, we have seen some get married, and seen others expand their family. It brings an overwhelming feeling of peace to know that in some (although probably small) way Jimmy impacted all of these peoples lives. He showed them the love that the Lord showed him. He offered them a Jimmy hug when needed, and shot them a Jimmy smile all the time!

It took me almost 3 years to see that Jimmy was right. The Lord is good!! His plan is good!!! Through Jimmy's faith I have finally found my faith. I have found Christians like those that Jimmy found. They love through my faults, they SHOW God's love. I have finally accepted the Lord's love and grace into my life. I have been trying to live my life as best as I can. I have become a Middle School Leader and I love showing the children God's love. I pray often that the children may learn from my mistakes and not live in the darkness for as long as I did.

Today will be a hard day. There is no doubt in my mind that I will cry. I will probably continue to ask God "why', but I do know the answer is "because I said so"!

I have faith in the Lord. I have faith that Jimmy was saved. And for the first time I have faith that through trust in the Lord, he is showing the answers to all of the questions and heal all wounds.

Talking

We all know that I can talk.... I can talk a LOT.... but this time of year talking becomes very difficult.

I have told my story countless times. I have told people how we lost Jimmy, what he meant to me, about his relationship to the Lord,  and how he brought me back to Christ. I tell people all the time that I am fine talking about it, and most of the time I am. But this time of year is tough.....

Writing is easier than talking.... however just writing isn't an option this year....

I volunteered to do the talk this week for Middle School Group. Every week a leader will talk on a topic that is relevant to the kid's lives but also based in the Bible.... My last talk was on the story of Daniel and how what is popular isn't always right and what is right isn't always popular.... That was an easy talk.....

This week my talk is based off the blog I wrote a few days ago called Anniversary (if you haven't read it, you should, I actually liked it, and that rarely happens).

I know that the kids will understand the talk, and I am pretty sure that at least 2-3 of he kids will actually take the talk to heart. I pray that the talk will help at least 1.

My fear for tomorrow night is me. I know that this is going to be emotional. I also know that the kids ask questions, most of which I doubt I will think of ahead of time. I am not sure that I will be able to make it through without crying (and those of you who know me, know I don't cry in public). I am praying that I will find the strength to make it through, and the peace of mind to know that I am delivering a good message, and that I am delivering the message in a way that the kids will really take it to heart an not make the same mistakes I did.

If you think about it please say a prayer for me!! Thank you!!!

Christian "Dating"

(BE WARNED…. This is not meant for younger eyes. This is also a LOT of generalization. This is in NO WAY directed at anyone!!!)

I have been "single" since 2007. I dated before I found God's love and I have dated since I have found God's love. I've learned a LOT about myself, and a lot about the "real world".... these are just some ramblings....

For those of you who don't know, when Jimmy passed away I was engaged to a man I had been with for over 5 years. That just gives a basis to the idea that in 2007 I was half of an "old married couple". It was comfortable. When we broke up all that changed....

When I first became single I was out to have fun, lots of fun, where-ever I could find fun, and I was perfectly ok if I found "adult" fun along the way. I'm not saying I was a whore, but I was looking for fun. Finding fun was easy, a little too easy. Guys liked to spend time with me, and I was dating... A LOT!!... The problems would start when I would look for more than fun. Find substance just didn't happen. I learned that "love" has a whole different meaning in a physical relationship.

That was when I decided that I wanted more than physical.... I learned that there was more to life than physical, and that the non-physical was what made a relationship good!! I like watching movies, walking, going out for dinner, talking, going mini-golfing, shopping, etc.... There is more to life than a bedroom!! This is when dating started to get harder. Getting a first date was still easy. But then, as I would spend time, it would either get physical, or fizzle.

Now I am to the point where I am not interested with getting physical until I am married.... WOW... try telling that to a guy!!!! That pretty much kills anything and everything the minute it come out. Don't get me wrong.... I don't look like


Although I have wondered how much one of these puppies would set me back, it may make life easier!!!
I have tried to date "Christian" men... I have also learned that the term "Christian" means a LOT of different things to different people. I have also learned that (for the most part), men between 27-42 have trouble thinking with their real brain! I know this shouldn't be a shock, but it is dis-heartening.

I have a lot of friends who are married to wonderful Christian men. However, most of them met their husbands YEARS ago, in high school, or longer.

With all of this said, over the last 4 years I have learned a LOT about what I want and what I don't want. I want an attraction, but I don't want a purely physical relationship. I want a sweetheart, but I don't want someone that won't stand up to me. I want someone who wants to go out and try new things, but is ok curling up w/ a good movie or a good book. And above all, I want someone who is centered on his faith in God, but is also ok sharing his faith with me. I want a Christ centered man and a Christ centered life.......

With all of this said.... I am still VERY happy with my life. A lot of people in my life have tried to set me up with people. I have tried online dating. I am done. I am 100% done with all of that. I have faith. I have faith that the Lord has a plan for me. I have faith that the Lord loves me; and because he loves me, the plan is a GOOD plan. I have faith that if I am intended to find my "match", then I will. If I'm not intended to get married, then I won't. And that is OK with me.

For the first time in my life, I am setting aside my "Type A", leo type, personality. It is a little scary, but I KNOW that the Lord provides all that we need.

Anniversary

Tomorrow is an anniversary… not one I celebrate, but one I mourn; not one I look forward to, but one I try to hide from; not one I talk about, but one I am ashamed of.

Four years ago tomorrow was the last time I spoke to Jimmy. Four years ago tomorrow, I showed how horrible and undeserving of the Lord’s love I truly am.

I was at the Keyport Fireman’s fair, setting up the beer tent for the night, when Jimmy called. He called to ask for my help, and instead of help I gave him my hurt and anger.

I had pushed my wedding back a full year, so that he would be out of the Marine Corps and be able to be there. My wedding was pretty well set before Jimmy met Becca. But then Jimmy met Becca, and they decided to get married. The problem was that Becca wanted to get married right away (15 months from 1^st meeting to walking down the aisle) and Jimmy was fine with it. While Jimmy had been deployed he asked me to help Becca plan the wedding, she knew I wasn’t happy that their wedding would be before mine and said she didn’t need any help in planning. When Jimmy returned from his deployment nothing was planned, except the date (a year before mine because I had pushed mine back).

On July 16, 2007 Jimmy called me to vent and to ask me to help him plan the wedding. I could hear the frustration in his voice. Above all, Jimmy wanted a beautiful wedding filled with God’s love. Instead of offering to help, I started a fight. I told him how angry I was that he had let her plan the wedding before mine, that he was sticking up for her, even though she obviously didn’t care about anything, other than beating me to get married. Jimmy defended her and told me how much they loved each other. I laughed at him and told him they hadn’t spent enough time together to know love. I also told him that I wasn’t going to the wedding, I was in a black out at work, and obviously his future wife didn’t give a shit that his family worked for a living when she picked the date…. And then I hung up on him…. That was it…

That was the LAST time I spoke with Jimmy. He died a week later, before I had the chance to apologize.

Not a day goes by that I don’t regret those words, the selfishness in my heart, or the anger that lived in me that day. The only regret that I have in my almost 28 years on this planet is that I didn’t have a chance to tell my brother how much I loved him and how proud of him I was. I can NOT express/explain how much it hurts to live with what I said and how I acted every day. Although just about everyone I know has told me that Jimmy KNOWS, he knows I love him and he knows I’m sorry, the hurt and the guilt don’t go away. I know that Jimmy loved me, and I know that I loved him, but my last words to him were in anger and hate and were 100% WRONG. I knew Becca loved him and loved us, but at that moment nothing except my selfishness mattered. That is something that I know I will always live with. I have made it a point since then not to stay mad at anyone in my life.

I understand that the Lord beings people into and out of our lives, but I will never again harbor anger towards people he has brought to me. I may not agree with people, and I sometimes get annoyed, but I just take a deep breath and say the serenity prayer. I know that it is too little and too late for Jimmy, but the Lord has shown me the light toward the future.

I am currently writing from a bench at the boardwalk under a beautiful full moon. A bench I know Jimmy and I sat on and talked. A moon I know we looked at a million times from our backs in the front yard. I will never again be able to share these things with him. We won’t run around catching lightning bugs again. I will never be able to go to the Chatterbox with him and talk. There won’t be any more water fights. And I will never have the chance to feel his arms wrap around me in a Jimmy Hug (like a bear hug but a million times better).

He will never REALLY see me healthy. See how close the family has become. Or know how much I love him and miss him.

1John2- ¹⁰Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble. ¹¹But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him

Jimmy saw the light; he loved everyone around him, even those of us who didn’t deserve it. I was in the dark. I was blind…. But now I see….

Better Than My Plan

I know it has been a while since my last post, but I promise to start writing more.....


If you met me 10 years ago would you want to be my friend? I hope not.
If you met me 4 years ago would you want to be my friend? I hope not.
If you met me today would you want to be my friend? I don't know, and that's ok!

If you met me 10 years ago and asked me where I would be in 10 years; my answer would be simple, married 2.5 children, a dog, a home owner, a history teacher and living the "perfect life.

If you met me 4 years ago and asked me where I would be in 4 year; my answer would be simple, married, at least 1 child, a couple of dogs, maybe a small house, probably working retail, and enjoying a simple life.

I NEVER would have imagined that I would be unemployed, living at home, never married, with no children, and no perspective of any of the "dreams" from 10 or even 4 years ago coming true.

With all of that said, and with shock in my own heart, I honestly feel so blessed and loved to have my life just the way it is!


A couple of weeks ago our pastor at church said something that has been playing over and over in my head and has really brought me peace. To paraphrase, he said that the Lord has a plan for all of us. Sometimes the plan is marriage and a ton of kids running around, sometimes it isn't.

4 years ago Jimmy told me that the Lord has a plan for all of us. It isn't our job to understand the plan, it isn't our job to run the plan, and it isn't our job to question the plan. It is only our job to live the plan.


I may not be married, but I have WONDERFUL friends who are married, who include me without making me a 3rd wheel, and who show how the Lord's love really is the center of the covenant of marriage.

I may not be seeing/dating/going steady/in a romantic relationship/ or whatever else you want to call it, but I have FABULOUS friends who still make time for girl time, who still invite me to try new things, and who wear the Lord's love on their sleeves.

I may not have children of my own, but I have lots that I can borrow, play with, and watch/help grow. I have FANTASTIC families who have invited me into their lives and who trust me with their children, and include me in their lives. I also have friends who have chosen to honor us by keeping my family; and particularly Jimmy alive in their lives by naming their sons after Jimmy. Some of “my” children have been medical blessings and others are medical mysteries, but they are ALL blessings in my life.

I may not have my own house, but I am blessed to have the BEST parents, who love me, support my decisions, and let me demo and remodel their house, even when they don't love my choice in color, they still love me.

I never became a teacher, but I still have a passion to teach and show, whether it is talking to people about history, going to a museum with friends, helping a kid (pre-teen) understand why history is important in their life, or just showing someone the Lord's love. I don’t have to have a certificate, or take a test to be a teacher, just have passion and love those around me.

I may be unemployed right now, but the Lord has used this time to bring me closer to him in my own community and halfway across the world in Croatia. He has opened up my heart and showed me his love and grace, none of which I deserve, but yet he gives it to me freely.


My life has NOT followed my plan for it. And I absolutely do NOT understand the Lord's plan for me. But I LOVE this plan and all of the people that this plan has brought into my life. I KNOW that there is a reason why each and every one of you is my friend. Some of the relationships, I understand, and some I don't yet, but I am blessed to have you in my life and I can't thank you enough for being with me through this perfectly planned plan that is completely beyond our understanding!

Who wants a boyfriend when you can have a girlfriend??

Start by getting your mind out of the gutter!!!!

I have never been close with other girls/women. Throughout school I had some female friends, but every female friendship I had pretty much fell apart. Girls have a horrible tendency to be catty, malicious, jealous, petty, and in most cases just plain old DUMB!! Plus, I never really understood the whole hair/makeup/ look cute & fake all the time crap. I just always got a long better with the guys.

I like being "one of the guys". I LOVE sports, cars, being outside, and being a sarcastic ass. I always fit in as one of the guys and I was perfectly happy that way. However, it is hard to have guy friends while dating... guys have jealousy issues, even if they say they don't usually.

All of the royal wedding hoopla in the last couple weeks has made being single hard. I am normally ok with being single. I would rather be single than be with someone I shouldn't be with. And I am ok waiting until I find the man that I am meant to spend the rest of my life with. However, all the talk of the happy couple, and then watching the wedding today did make me wish that I had that special someone. I don’t think there is 1 person in the 2+billion who watched the wedding that didn’t say how easy it was to see the love between Will & Kate; and I don’t know any of my single friends who doesn’t dream about finding a love like that.  I know I know, I'm wonderful and any man would be lucky to have me.. blah blah blah blah blah.

Today as everyone sat around and watched as Will & Kate showed the world what "true love" looks like, I watched (not gonna lie about that), and was a little jealous. But I realized that I really do have SO much love around me; that romantic love can wait. It feels like the Lord keeps sending me wonderful women to fill my life with beautiful friendships.

One of my female friends from collage and I reconnected when she invited me to this wonderful church. She and I have grown closer over the last year than we were the entire time we were in college (well except the weekend we spent in a tent... but that may be a story for another day)!!

Although there are many wonderful women that I have met through church who have all shown me God's love in many ways, I have made one friend at church who has shown me more about pure Christian love than anyone else. A few people from church asked if I knew her and told me that I had to get to know her.... they were right!! She and I have had similar experiences in life; and she is so full of love, wisdom and compassion!!! The Lord bringing her into my life has been so moving and a blessing beyond words.

A couple of weeks ago at the gym my trainer told me that she had someone that I "just HAVE To meet". I laughed at her and told her that I wasn't interested in being hooked up with anyone. Her response of "No, it's a girl" got an even bigger laugh out of me. My trainer didn't take no for an answer and kept telling me all about this girl that is soooo much like me. Finally I gave in and let her introduce me to a new friend. Lol.... Well the trainer is always right!! Lauren and I hit it off right away and now I have a new gym buddy who will keep me motivated!!!

I am soooo blessed to have such wonderful new women coming into my life and helping me to broaden my horizons and better myself each and every day. Who needs a boyfriend when you can have this much fun with wonderful friends?!?!

Easter Blessings

Yesterday was so busy that I didn't have time to write, but I think that is a good thing because it get me time to pray and reflect on the day.

I don't know why but I was nervous about yesterday. On Saturday night I was fidgety and didn't get any sleep (I didn't fall asleep until almost 2am and had to be up by 5:30 to get ready for church). I was completely exhausted from the race and the rest of the day, but sleep just wasn't coming.

When I woke up on Sunday morning I was awake, for getting less than 4 hours of sleep I was a lot more awake than I thought I would have been. My mind was racing with everything I needed to do before church. Because my church doesn't have a dedicated space we have to "set up" every week before church. For the holidays we actually use a very large local theater so that we can accommodate more people, however that requires more set-up. Megan and I got there early and helped unload all the guys’ trucks w/ the sound equipment, instruments, communion table, etc. Then we started setting up and getting everything ready.

It wasn't until everything was set up and finally sat down that I realized "WOW today is Easter, the Lord is RISEN!!!" Although I have been a Catholic my whole life Easter was always just another Sunday, except Easter Sunday I always had to get dressed up, deal with the extra 500 people who ONLY go to church on Easter & Christmas, and then go to my aunt's house for dinner at 2pm after church. Easter was more about ritual and doing things I would rather not be doing. Sitting in the theater yesterday morning I was feeling excited and scared at the same time.

For the first time I felt a real excitement for Easter, Jesus Christ has RISEN!! He has risen and in rising he has taken away my sins and reconnected me with our true and loving Father. How lucky am I!!

But I was also feeling scared. How unworthy am I of his love? I turned my back on him for so many years and I not only turned my back but I was angry and full of malice. I sat there yesterday and part of me really wanted to get up and leave because I really didn't feel worthy to be there... until the service started.

That many people lifting their voices in song to worship the Lord was breathtaking.... and then Christian began his sermon...

Christian's sermon focused on John chapter 21, when Jesus visits Peter and the other fishermen on the beach after he rose from the dead. The parallels between the story of Peter's denial and Jesus’ visit can't be denied. Peter denied Jesus 3 times next to a charcoal fire, and then told Jesus that he loves him 3 times next to a charcoal fire. Jesus came to Peter and asked him if he loved him. Jesus didn't say anything about Peter's denial. He didn't admonish Peter for the denial. He didn't tell Peter to prove he love on the spot, or to deny his denial. Jesus simply told Peter to feed & tend to his flock.

Jesus didn't hold Peter's past against him, he simply asked him to move toward the future. Jesus asked him to change his behavior going forward. I can do that!! I have been a denier in the past, but I will not be a denier in the future. As I walk on this journey of living a Christian life I will learn more, I will do more, I will love more, and I will share more.

I don't know everything, and I never will, but I do know that the Lord loves me, he had forgiven me, and he has taken my sin. In exchange he wants me to love others and show them the love and compassion that he has shown me. I can do that!!

I am so blessed to be part of a community that brings such blessings week after week and I pray that as I continue to grow in my faith I will be able to help others, the way that others have helped me.

Understanding the plan!!

I know that the Lord has a plan, and I know that we won't always understand the plan as it is unfolding, but he will show us the plan when he is ready. These facts could not be more clearle shown than this weekend!!

On Thursday I blogged about hurt, anger, and guilt. I was hurt and angry that the Lord decided that Sonny shouldn't be here for Easter. We get so little time every year to be with Sonny and the Lord taking away that time really hurt, and felt like he was punishing me for something unknown. And at the same time I felt guilty, because I do know that the Lord is good and that he loves me and that his plan for me is a good one. I felt guilty in my doubt. I felt angry and completely unworthy at the same time.

Yesterday was Good Friday. The day that Jesus took all of our sins upon himself so that we may be forgiven of our transgressions. I woke up feeling more ashamed of my anger than anything else. Who am I to question the Lord? How weak must my faith be to question him so easily?? How unworthy must I be of his love and compassion?? I decided to attend a Good Friday service that was a compilation of about 12 local churches, including my own. 7 pastors/preachers each preached a sermon on one of the seven last words of Jesus, and 5 other pastors/preachers contributed in other prayers. The praise & worship band from my church also provided music. When I got to the church, I felt completely inadequate again. My church is very laid back and relaxed in dress code; the church that was hosting was NOT. Everyone had one suits and dresses, my jeans, sweater, and rainbows were sticking out like a sore thumb. I sat down before the service began and I prayed, I prayed for forgiveness and I prayed for help. Help in understanding, and help in faith, unconditional, and unquestioning faith.

As the service started I looked at the program and realized that our pastor (Christian) wasn't preaching at the service. Instead Jarred was preaching. Jarred preaches at our church on weekends Christian is away, or busy. Jarred and his wife Kim have really opened themselves up and helped me to move forward in my faith, through genuine friendship and guidance. I sat in the service and pastor after pastor preached on the last words of Jesus Christ, coming from different gospels. Each pastor had different insight and a different take, but the unity of the sermons really flowed in the love that Jesus had for us and how he suffered BECAUSE he loved us. He didn't have to die on the cross, he didn't have to endure the humiliation of carrying the cross, but he CHOSE to do those things to save us from our transgressions and pay for our sins against the old covenant.

Then it was Jarred's turn to preach.... Jarred was preaching on Abandonment: my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46). Jarred recounted last words from many great people throughout history, all secure in their faith that they were going to heaven and nothing else mattered, or they were going to hell and happy with that too. Then Jarred said something that never would have dawned on me..... In Jesus’ last dying moments, he DOUBTED!!!! Jesus knew the Lord's plan; he KNEW why the plan was the way it was; he knew that he had accepted it; he knew and accepted that he was going to die for the sins of humanity... and yet he still doubted his father's love. If Jesus had doubts, I think it is natural for us to have doubts at times; faith is how we deal with those doubts. Do we let the doubts consume us a drive us away from our loving Savior? Or do we pray on our doubts and allow or Father into our hearts to help heard us back into the flock?

Last night I went to an Evensong service w/ my church. For those of you who don't know, Evensong is an old tradition of people getting together in song to praise the Lord. It is typically about an hour, and is a combination of songs w/ reading from the scripture and prayers. Last night we had a LOT of people come to Evensong, more people than I think any other Evensong I have been to. Being in a small room with than many other Christians, most of whom I knew and consider friends, was completely breathtaking. While listening to that many people moved by the word of God, and lifting up voices in praise to him, I was filled with an overwhelming sense of peace and love. I came home last night feeling confidant in God's love for me, although I still didn't understand his plan.

Today I learned the plan! One of the things Sonny & I were going to do this weekend was run a 5K... Let me preface this by letting the world know that I am NOT a runner, I never have been, and I doubt that I ever will be. However, this was one of those "I can do this" challenges to myself. This race just happened to be this weekend, and Sonny was going to be up, so who better to push me to do this than my little brother?? This race also happens to be the only race that Jimmy and Megan (my little sister) ever ran together. It was like it was meant to be. I woke and felt sad that Sonny wouldn't be here, but I had decided that I was going to finish this race for myself and for Sonny. I woke up and came downstairs to have some breakfast before I looked out the window... COMPLETE DOWNPOUR!!!! It was raining, and cold, and NASTY... a perfect day to curl up w/ a book and a hot tea, or a good movie and popcorn... and yet I was going to go outside, and try and run 3.11 miles... at the boardwalk, right on the water!?!? Am I insane!?!? I said a prayer and I set goals... I know that I don't have the endurance to run the whole thing, so I set 3 goals that I thought I could obtain... #1- Finish #2- Don't get hurt #3- Don't be last.... those were the only real goals. Secretly I wanted to finish in under 45mins.

My friend Aimee was also running this race and before the race started she and I were talking and I told her what happened w/ Sonny and how crazy I must be to be doing this in the weather. She looked at me and said "you know Jimmy is laughing his ass off right". She couldn't have been more right! I know that Jimmy was laughing at me, while I was trying to jog in the rain & the wind, I was soaking wet & freezing.... BUT.... I finished... I didn't hurt myself (or anyone else!), and I wasn't last.... and the bonus... I finished in 45mins!!! I know that this isn't a great time, BUT I achieved all the goals I set for myself, so I consider today a win!!

After the race I texted Sonny. I miss him so much and I wished he was there, but at least technology was on my side! Come to find out, Sonny is sick and spent all day yesterday in bed. So although I didn't understand the plan I do now!! If Sonny had come up here, I know he would have wanted to run this race, and he would have gotten even sicker. Although I didn't like his plan when it unfolded, I understand it now.

This weekend has been a roller coaster of emotion for me, but I feel like I have learned sooo much this weekend. I have learned more about trust, faith, friendship, endurance, prayer, and more than anything I have learned more about myself. Trust is something that doesn't come easy to me, trust in myself, trust in others, and even trust in God is difficult for me, but I know that as I continue to grow in my faith, trust will come and I will overcome any obstacles that the Lord intends me to overcome!

Type A vs. God!!

I am a type A personality, and I will admit it. I am a Leo, don't need to be the center of attention, but I need to know what is going on and how I can make things better. I may even be slightly OCD. I have a need to have a black & white world. Either it is, or it isn't, simple, clean, and easy. I know that life isn't always like this, but it is the way I like it.

In the dating world I have learned that black & white is best, either I like you and want to see what will happen, or I don't and I will be honest about it and pray that you will find your perfect someone. This is life. However, the Lord has been clearly showing me recently that no matter how much I want a simple life, that just isn't his plan for me right now.

I am used to uncertainty in the dating world. The Lord has shown me that over and over again. I have been on the other side of guys who are "just not that into me" and can't be honest about it. Although I still don't like gray in the dating scene I understand it and have learned that it really is in the Lord's hands. Knowing that I also know that he loves me more than any man here on earth will, and I'm OK with that, because it is BLACK & WHITE!!

However, the rest of my world has turned gray this week and as hard as I am trying to trust, trying to pray, and reminding myself that his plan is a good one because he loves me, I am still struggling!

I have been looking forward to my friend Sonny coming to visit for Easter. Sonny is like my little brother. I love him like a brother. We usually only get to see him for a long weekend every year because he lives down south and is super busy. However, this was the first year that I didn't have to work and could really spend a lot of quality time with him. He was going to run my first 5K with me, we had planned a night out w/ everyone, and a bunch of just hanging together. Also, this was the first year I could share my faith over this wonderful holiday. Sonny is a Christian, but this was a part of his life that I never shared and I was soooo happy that I could finally share faith with him. Sonny was supposed to fly up from Georgia today, but due to circumstances he missed his flight this morning. He spent all day in the Atlanta airport on stand by trying to get here. All day I prayed and I knew that he would get here. Every time my phone went off today, I silently said a mini-prayer before looking at it, hoping for good news.... the news only went from bad to worse. Sonny is not coming :(  I know that this is a test of my faith. I KNOW that this is part of the Lord's plan, and for some reason Sonny was not meant to be here. I don't understand it, I don't like it, and my Type A is NOT happy that all the plans are out the window. More than anything I am scared. I am scared to my core not knowing when I will get to see Sonny again. Will I have a job then & not be able to see him? Or God forbid, what if something bad happens before I get to see him again? I am completely torn. I want to accept it and I WANT so badly to have faith in the plan, but I am filled with a fear that I am having trouble shaking.

I am sure that the Lord has something big and wonderful planned this weekend for everyone involved. There is a Good Friday service tomorrow at 12 that I had been wavering on going or not going, I know now that I NEED to be there. There is also an Evensong service tomorrow night that I will make sure to be at, Evensong is always uplifting and wonderful so I'm sure tomorrow will be even better. Saturday is the 5K, I will still run it, and I will push myself harder than ever. And Sunday will be Easter. Sunday I will go to church and I will celebrate the Savior Risen and how miraculous his love for us is.

I know that the Lord must have had plans for Sonny and that Sonny not being here was his doing. I know that he loves all of us and that everything that has happened has happened in a love that is bigger and broader than I will ever understand. I am praying that he will help me to overcome  my "Type A" and just be a trusting, following disciple.

Type A= 0
God= 1

Lord Grant me
the Serenity to accept the things I can not change,
the Courage to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Wants & Needs

This week I have had the worst writer's block... or actually it was more like "writer's diarrhea"... I know that isn't really a proper term, but that is sure what it felt like.. every time I went to write something, 50 unrelated things would come out. It was hard for me to follow, so I didn't think anyone else would be able to follow and I threw out a lot of writing this week. I tried to write about trust; I tried to write about patience; I tried to write about feeling lost, and the more I tried to write the more lost I got....

The last two days I feel like I am following the breadcrumbs back through the woods to get home and I am feeling much more like myself and less lost everyday.

Yesterday our Pastor, Christian, preached on the letter to the church in Laodicea in the book of Revelations. This was the seventh in a sermon series where he has looked at each of the letters. This one hit HARD!!! After church, a bunch of us went out to lunch (as always) and a very good friend of mine suggested that I read a book called Knowing God by J. I. Packer. I honestly thought I would pick it up, and breeze through it.. I was WRONG. I have started reading this book, and it is hitting me HARD!! These have challanged me to look at where I am in life and in my relationship with the community around me, and most impartantly where I am in my relationship w/ God.

In this Easter season, I feel, like no other time in my life, that I have SOOO much to be thankful for, and for the FIRST time, the thing I am MOST thankful for is LOVE. No, not external puppy dog love, not lust, not familial love, but true, body warming, internal, spiritual LOVE!!! For the first time in my life, I am looking at my faults, my sins, my unworthiness, and I KNOW that through all of that, God loves ME, and Jesus has taken all of my hurt, my pain, my sins, my unworthiness upon himself so that I CAN receive that love.

This newly realized love inspired me to do something today that I have been avoiding, and hiding from for almost 4 years. Before Jimmy passed away, he won an Indiana Guitar company red acoustic guitar, signed by the members of Mercy Me, Story Side B, and NeverTheLess. For those of you who don't know (I didn't know the last 2 until today), look them up, they are all Christian rock bands, and they are pretty good! (Who am I kidding? Mercy Me ROCKS). The guitar has been sitting in Jimmy's closet since he passed. I asked my parents if I could have it years ago, and it has been in the closet waiting for me. For a while now, I thought of doing a focal wall in my room, with the guitar in the middle, and crosses around it, kind of random & fun.

However, as has been a lot of my life, it was all talk. I was scared to do it, so I made excuses, no time, no space, etc. Now that I've had time, I kept putting it off, do I deserve to have the guitar, can I actually put it up, without having it fall off the wall and break? I now have no questions!! I decided that today was the day! I prayed about it a lot this morning, and this afternoon, I just went for it.

For those of you who don't really know me, one thing you should know about me is that I am NOT handy, not even close & not in any sense of the word. I can't even nail a proper nail! Forget power tools!! But with prayer (and I think Jimmy pitching in a little too) I got it done. I used the power drill & the stud finder; and I hung the guitar, with TWO guitar arms, and then I started hanging the crosses. (Mini sales pitch- if you haven't tried Monkey Hooks, go buy them... NOW. They are for hanging things in dry wall.. SOOOOOO easy strong!) It took me most of the afternoon to get the wall, and the pictures on the dresser below, put all together. But, when I took a step back and looked, I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, a huge rush of emotion, and tears.

This love is greater than anything earthly. It is completely unexplainable, and completely sustainable at the same time!! I keep saying that I am SOOO blessed, but that is the understatement of the year. No matter what I want (to write this blog, to find "the one", to settle down), NONE of that matters. The Lord has been giving me everything that I need (at the right time) in life to be happy, he has given me more love than I could ever ask for here on earth. My wants don't matter, and my needs have been met!! Life has never been better for me.

This week should be a true joy! Sonny (my adopted little brother) is coming to visit for a long Easter weekend, there is a Good Friday Service and Evensong service on Friday that I am very exited for, I am running (or walking) my first 5K on Saturday, and then Easter is on Sunday.... SUCH BLESSINGS!!!

How 1 Question Can Change Your Life!!

I had planned on writing on more of the history, and how I found God's grace.... However, as I sit here tonight I am having so many mixed emotions about today that my head is spinning.

This time last year I was in a rough spot. Since Jimmy passed away I had been in my fair share of failed relationships, some were really bad and destructive, and some were just not meant to be. I went through a phase where alcohol and partying were all I wanted to do, and I was ok with just being seen as an object. By this time last year, I felt completely lost. I felt like I was just an empty shell, going to work, coming home, going out with random guys, having fun on the outside, and all the time feeling like something was missing.

I thought for a long time about what was missing. I talked to my friends and my family. I even talked to Jimmy. I thought that maybe, just maybe going to church would help.... so I tried it!! I went back to the church we grew up in.... and I left with the same questions and issues that I had 10 years ago. So... I did what any tech-savy 20-something woman would do.... I went to Facebook! I posted a simple question to all of my friends/family/FB Buddies..... I asked "Is it wrong to go church shopping? I need something more than my church"......

That one simple question changed my life, and continues to change my life in ways that I would have never dreamed of. A couple people responded saying it was fine to shop around. But, an old college friend responded and told me that I had to come try her church. She told me it wasn't anything like the churches I was used to, this church meets in a movie theater, and has a full rock band! I was very skeptical of it, but I agreed to come try it. That one skeptical step was the best step I could have ever taken!

I honestly don't remember the topic of the first service, though I do remember who was preaching. But, what I remember the most from the first service was the overwhelming feelings of peace, love, understanding, and completeness. I felt at home and was even moved to tears during the service. After the service was even better! I met so many wonderful people and they were all genuinely welcoming and loving. They all showed God's love and grace to me, even though they didn't know me, and I felt completely unworthy. I was finally "home".

I have been attending this church weekly; I have joined the set-up crew, and have even become a leader for the Middle School Group. I have also started to read the bible. I know I don't know anything and I know that I will never know everything. I believe that I am saved in his grace and that the Lord has a plan for me and that I don't know, and will never understand the plan. However, I have faith that the plan is good and that he loves me as his child. I continue to learn and grow in my faith. I am currently getting ready to go on a mission trip to Croatia to see what missionary life is like and to see if I like it. I never would have thought that this is where I would be in my life a year ago, but here I am.

I still struggle with my faith, sometimes on a daily basis, and today was one of those days. One of those days where I struggle, and I pray, and I pray, and I struggle. Today's sermon was about opening doors to those around us, welcoming them into our lives and into our faith. The sermon really touched me. And then when the real world stepped in I got a slap in the face. Someone who I have known for a very long time is using Jimmy's name for her own good. It is a long and convoluted story, but it really opened up hurt and anger in me. To see someone I trusted, and Jimmy trusted, use his memory to get what she wants in life, just really bothered me today. I keep saying the Serenity Prayer in my head....

 "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things (people) I cannot change, the courage to change those that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"

For this and other reasons (which will come out at a later date), I believe that the Serenity Prayer is and will be the prayer of my life. Most people know the Serenity Prayer as a prayer of recovery from addiction, but I think the Serenity Prayer is just a prayer of recovery from all that life throws at us.

Worth a Try.....

I have always enjoyed writing as a way of clearing my head and answering my own questions... recently more and more of my friends have been blogging, so I thought maybe this would be a good idea to try....

For those of you who don't know me, a little bit of background may help to clarify the blog title...

I grew up in an Italian/Irish Catholic household. I am the oldest of 3 kids, who were all baptised, communed, and were confirmed in the Catholic church. After confirmation we all walked away from the church. I can't speak for my brother or sister, but I can say for me that there were too many questions that I had about the faith, that no one could answer. I also had a big issue with the amount of money the church was continuously looking for and pushing for.

About 7 years ago, my little brother, Jimmy, joined the United States Marine Corps. After 9-11 Jimmy set his sites on the Marines and never looked back, he wanted to be the best of the best. He served his first tour of duty in Kuwait & Iraq. When he came home he was injured in a training accident and almost died. After the accident, a very good friend of his invited him to a Christian Church called Freedom Worship Center, in Jacksonville, NC. Jimmy fell in love with this church and became very active in the community.

At this point in time I was working full time (and more than full time most of the time), I was also engaged to a man who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Jimmy tried to talk to me about his faith, and he tried to show me the light, and I laughed. I didn't have time, and since when is God interested in our lives? Why would he care about me? I wasn't anything special, I wasn't a nun, I wasn't clergy. God wouldn't listen to me, so why should I care what he thought of me?

Jimmy met a wonderful Christian woman (Becca), and got engaged. He then left for his second tour of duty. This tour was all over the world on a Marine Expeditionary Unit (MEU). When he came home his wedding was planned, and it was before mine. I had pushed my wedding back to ensure he could be there for it, and he planned his wedding before mine! I was soooo angry and hurt I didn't even have words for it. I didn't go with the family for his homecoming, and when we spoke later on that week, we got into a big fight. He didn't understand why, and didn't care that I was hurt and angry.

Two weeks after our fight, with no conversation in between, my brother passed away. He, and a very good friend named Sonny, were moving Becca from school in DC, back home to NC so that Jimmy & Becca could start their life together. On the drive back, Jimmy and Sonny both fell asleep. Jimmy was driving when the truck they were in drifted of the road and hit a tree. The internal injuries were too much for Jimmy to take.

The next week was chaotic, we had the services here in NJ, and EVERYONE came. In the mean time, my fiance and I had been having some troubles. I was losing a lot of wait, he was getting jealous, and I wasn't really doing anything to help him through it.  The week we lost Jimmy I was in full family mode, I was cooking, cleaning, organizing, and doing whatever I could for the family. It was all too much for my fiance to take and we broke up less than 3 weeks later (after much fighting and soul searching).

Within a month I lost my little brother, my fiance, and my life. Why should I trust God? He was obviously not there for me, or Jimmy. Jimmy trusted him, followed him, loved him, and yet he turned his back on Jimmy. If God wasn't there for a disciple like Jimmy, then he obviously couldn't care about me.

That is where my "journey" started... I have no idea where it will end, but I do know that it is and will continue to be an adventure, full of wonderful people, and some not-so wonderful ones too. I know that I will make mistakes along the way, and (without ruining the plot line) I know that the Lord has lighted this path and no matter how much I may not like it, this path will ultimately be a good one.