I had planned on writing on more of the history, and how I found God's grace.... However, as I sit here tonight I am having so many mixed emotions about today that my head is spinning.
This time last year I was in a rough spot. Since Jimmy passed away I had been in my fair share of failed relationships, some were really bad and destructive, and some were just not meant to be. I went through a phase where alcohol and partying were all I wanted to do, and I was ok with just being seen as an object. By this time last year, I felt completely lost. I felt like I was just an empty shell, going to work, coming home, going out with random guys, having fun on the outside, and all the time feeling like something was missing.
I thought for a long time about what was missing. I talked to my friends and my family. I even talked to Jimmy. I thought that maybe, just maybe going to church would help.... so I tried it!! I went back to the church we grew up in.... and I left with the same questions and issues that I had 10 years ago. So... I did what any tech-savy 20-something woman would do.... I went to Facebook! I posted a simple question to all of my friends/family/FB Buddies..... I asked "Is it wrong to go church shopping? I need something more than my church"......
That one simple question changed my life, and continues to change my life in ways that I would have never dreamed of. A couple people responded saying it was fine to shop around. But, an old college friend responded and told me that I had to come try her church. She told me it wasn't anything like the churches I was used to, this church meets in a movie theater, and has a full rock band! I was very skeptical of it, but I agreed to come try it. That one skeptical step was the best step I could have ever taken!
I honestly don't remember the topic of the first service, though I do remember who was preaching. But, what I remember the most from the first service was the overwhelming feelings of peace, love, understanding, and completeness. I felt at home and was even moved to tears during the service. After the service was even better! I met so many wonderful people and they were all genuinely welcoming and loving. They all showed God's love and grace to me, even though they didn't know me, and I felt completely unworthy. I was finally "home".
I have been attending this church weekly; I have joined the set-up crew, and have even become a leader for the Middle School Group. I have also started to read the bible. I know I don't know anything and I know that I will never know everything. I believe that I am saved in his grace and that the Lord has a plan for me and that I don't know, and will never understand the plan. However, I have faith that the plan is good and that he loves me as his child. I continue to learn and grow in my faith. I am currently getting ready to go on a mission trip to Croatia to see what missionary life is like and to see if I like it. I never would have thought that this is where I would be in my life a year ago, but here I am.
I still struggle with my faith, sometimes on a daily basis, and today was one of those days. One of those days where I struggle, and I pray, and I pray, and I struggle. Today's sermon was about opening doors to those around us, welcoming them into our lives and into our faith. The sermon really touched me. And then when the real world stepped in I got a slap in the face. Someone who I have known for a very long time is using Jimmy's name for her own good. It is a long and convoluted story, but it really opened up hurt and anger in me. To see someone I trusted, and Jimmy trusted, use his memory to get what she wants in life, just really bothered me today. I keep saying the Serenity Prayer in my head....
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things (people) I cannot change, the courage to change those that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
For this and other reasons (which will come out at a later date), I believe that the Serenity Prayer is and will be the prayer of my life. Most people know the Serenity Prayer as a prayer of recovery from addiction, but I think the Serenity Prayer is just a prayer of recovery from all that life throws at us.
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