I know that the Lord has a plan, and I know that we won't always understand the plan as it is unfolding, but he will show us the plan when he is ready. These facts could not be more clearle shown than this weekend!!
On Thursday I blogged about hurt, anger, and guilt. I was hurt and angry that the Lord decided that Sonny shouldn't be here for Easter. We get so little time every year to be with Sonny and the Lord taking away that time really hurt, and felt like he was punishing me for something unknown. And at the same time I felt guilty, because I do know that the Lord is good and that he loves me and that his plan for me is a good one. I felt guilty in my doubt. I felt angry and completely unworthy at the same time.
Yesterday was Good Friday. The day that Jesus took all of our sins upon himself so that we may be forgiven of our transgressions. I woke up feeling more ashamed of my anger than anything else. Who am I to question the Lord? How weak must my faith be to question him so easily?? How unworthy must I be of his love and compassion?? I decided to attend a Good Friday service that was a compilation of about 12 local churches, including my own. 7 pastors/preachers each preached a sermon on one of the seven last words of Jesus, and 5 other pastors/preachers contributed in other prayers. The praise & worship band from my church also provided music. When I got to the church, I felt completely inadequate again. My church is very laid back and relaxed in dress code; the church that was hosting was NOT. Everyone had one suits and dresses, my jeans, sweater, and rainbows were sticking out like a sore thumb. I sat down before the service began and I prayed, I prayed for forgiveness and I prayed for help. Help in understanding, and help in faith, unconditional, and unquestioning faith.
As the service started I looked at the program and realized that our pastor (Christian) wasn't preaching at the service. Instead Jarred was preaching. Jarred preaches at our church on weekends Christian is away, or busy. Jarred and his wife Kim have really opened themselves up and helped me to move forward in my faith, through genuine friendship and guidance. I sat in the service and pastor after pastor preached on the last words of Jesus Christ, coming from different gospels. Each pastor had different insight and a different take, but the unity of the sermons really flowed in the love that Jesus had for us and how he suffered BECAUSE he loved us. He didn't have to die on the cross, he didn't have to endure the humiliation of carrying the cross, but he CHOSE to do those things to save us from our transgressions and pay for our sins against the old covenant.
Then it was Jarred's turn to preach.... Jarred was preaching on Abandonment: my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46). Jarred recounted last words from many great people throughout history, all secure in their faith that they were going to heaven and nothing else mattered, or they were going to hell and happy with that too. Then Jarred said something that never would have dawned on me..... In Jesus’ last dying moments, he DOUBTED!!!! Jesus knew the Lord's plan; he KNEW why the plan was the way it was; he knew that he had accepted it; he knew and accepted that he was going to die for the sins of humanity... and yet he still doubted his father's love. If Jesus had doubts, I think it is natural for us to have doubts at times; faith is how we deal with those doubts. Do we let the doubts consume us a drive us away from our loving Savior? Or do we pray on our doubts and allow or Father into our hearts to help heard us back into the flock?
Last night I went to an Evensong service w/ my church. For those of you who don't know, Evensong is an old tradition of people getting together in song to praise the Lord. It is typically about an hour, and is a combination of songs w/ reading from the scripture and prayers. Last night we had a LOT of people come to Evensong, more people than I think any other Evensong I have been to. Being in a small room with than many other Christians, most of whom I knew and consider friends, was completely breathtaking. While listening to that many people moved by the word of God, and lifting up voices in praise to him, I was filled with an overwhelming sense of peace and love. I came home last night feeling confidant in God's love for me, although I still didn't understand his plan.
Today I learned the plan! One of the things Sonny & I were going to do this weekend was run a 5K... Let me preface this by letting the world know that I am NOT a runner, I never have been, and I doubt that I ever will be. However, this was one of those "I can do this" challenges to myself. This race just happened to be this weekend, and Sonny was going to be up, so who better to push me to do this than my little brother?? This race also happens to be the only race that Jimmy and Megan (my little sister) ever ran together. It was like it was meant to be. I woke and felt sad that Sonny wouldn't be here, but I had decided that I was going to finish this race for myself and for Sonny. I woke up and came downstairs to have some breakfast before I looked out the window... COMPLETE DOWNPOUR!!!! It was raining, and cold, and NASTY... a perfect day to curl up w/ a book and a hot tea, or a good movie and popcorn... and yet I was going to go outside, and try and run 3.11 miles... at the boardwalk, right on the water!?!? Am I insane!?!? I said a prayer and I set goals... I know that I don't have the endurance to run the whole thing, so I set 3 goals that I thought I could obtain... #1- Finish #2- Don't get hurt #3- Don't be last.... those were the only real goals. Secretly I wanted to finish in under 45mins.
My friend Aimee was also running this race and before the race started she and I were talking and I told her what happened w/ Sonny and how crazy I must be to be doing this in the weather. She looked at me and said "you know Jimmy is laughing his ass off right". She couldn't have been more right! I know that Jimmy was laughing at me, while I was trying to jog in the rain & the wind, I was soaking wet & freezing.... BUT.... I finished... I didn't hurt myself (or anyone else!), and I wasn't last.... and the bonus... I finished in 45mins!!! I know that this isn't a great time, BUT I achieved all the goals I set for myself, so I consider today a win!!
After the race I texted Sonny. I miss him so much and I wished he was there, but at least technology was on my side! Come to find out, Sonny is sick and spent all day yesterday in bed. So although I didn't understand the plan I do now!! If Sonny had come up here, I know he would have wanted to run this race, and he would have gotten even sicker. Although I didn't like his plan when it unfolded, I understand it now.
This weekend has been a roller coaster of emotion for me, but I feel like I have learned sooo much this weekend. I have learned more about trust, faith, friendship, endurance, prayer, and more than anything I have learned more about myself. Trust is something that doesn't come easy to me, trust in myself, trust in others, and even trust in God is difficult for me, but I know that as I continue to grow in my faith, trust will come and I will overcome any obstacles that the Lord intends me to overcome!
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