4 Years!

I have been trying to plan this blog for over a month. I wanted to express how hard it is to believe that Jimmy is dead (and not just on a crazy long deployment). I wanted to express how much I miss him. I wanted to express how empty the world feels at times without him here. And I really wanted to express how hard it is to believe that it has been FOUR years already. I have written bits and pieces, and then I have trashed them and started again. As I sat down last night to start typing, I realized that no matter how long I write, or how eloquently I express myself, my words will never be enough to adequately show the size of the hole in my heart and my world without Jimmy here. I miss him 365 days a year, not just 1 or 2.

As I have thought and planned, my heart has been calling to God for answers. Why Jimmy? Why then? Why NOT me? These are all questions that I have asked a million times before. But this year I have started to see the answers and the blessings that have come after........  (I am NOT saying that the hurt is any less, or that I am glad this happened in any way shape or form!!)

Jimmy had faith!! Jimmy KNEW, without a doubt, that the Lord loved him and that he was saved through the Lord's love and grace!! He told me a couple of times (once right before he deployed the last time) that the Lord had a plan for him, and that he didn't care what the plan was, he just wanted to live it. I believe that the Lord's plan for Jimmy was to use him to bring other's together, and to show others the Lord's love.

I want to thank Daniel & Ramee Larson for bringing peace. Daniel and Jimmy were in the same unit in the Marine Corps. Daniel invited Jimmy to church. The Larsons introduced Jimmy to the Freedom Worship Center (http://www.fwcjax.org/). Through the wonderful family he found there (including the Larsons, David & Beth Love, Jarrod Plumley, Rob Bourque, and Chip Perry, just to name a few). He also met some other wonderful Christians while he was in NC (including the Howells and Sonny). I am forever indebted to all of these people. You showed Jimmy the Lord's love. You saved him. Through your love for the Lord and for Jimmy, you have brought peace in the knowledge that Jimmy has gone home to his heavenly father.

I lost my only brother 4 years ago, but I gained countless other brothers and sisters. We as a family have managed to maintain some key relationship with others who loved Jimmy. We have spent time with them, kept in touch through facebook and cell phones, we have seen some get married, and seen others expand their family. It brings an overwhelming feeling of peace to know that in some (although probably small) way Jimmy impacted all of these peoples lives. He showed them the love that the Lord showed him. He offered them a Jimmy hug when needed, and shot them a Jimmy smile all the time!

It took me almost 3 years to see that Jimmy was right. The Lord is good!! His plan is good!!! Through Jimmy's faith I have finally found my faith. I have found Christians like those that Jimmy found. They love through my faults, they SHOW God's love. I have finally accepted the Lord's love and grace into my life. I have been trying to live my life as best as I can. I have become a Middle School Leader and I love showing the children God's love. I pray often that the children may learn from my mistakes and not live in the darkness for as long as I did.

Today will be a hard day. There is no doubt in my mind that I will cry. I will probably continue to ask God "why', but I do know the answer is "because I said so"!

I have faith in the Lord. I have faith that Jimmy was saved. And for the first time I have faith that through trust in the Lord, he is showing the answers to all of the questions and heal all wounds.