Anniversary

Tomorrow is an anniversary… not one I celebrate, but one I mourn; not one I look forward to, but one I try to hide from; not one I talk about, but one I am ashamed of.

Four years ago tomorrow was the last time I spoke to Jimmy. Four years ago tomorrow, I showed how horrible and undeserving of the Lord’s love I truly am.

I was at the Keyport Fireman’s fair, setting up the beer tent for the night, when Jimmy called. He called to ask for my help, and instead of help I gave him my hurt and anger.

I had pushed my wedding back a full year, so that he would be out of the Marine Corps and be able to be there. My wedding was pretty well set before Jimmy met Becca. But then Jimmy met Becca, and they decided to get married. The problem was that Becca wanted to get married right away (15 months from 1^st meeting to walking down the aisle) and Jimmy was fine with it. While Jimmy had been deployed he asked me to help Becca plan the wedding, she knew I wasn’t happy that their wedding would be before mine and said she didn’t need any help in planning. When Jimmy returned from his deployment nothing was planned, except the date (a year before mine because I had pushed mine back).

On July 16, 2007 Jimmy called me to vent and to ask me to help him plan the wedding. I could hear the frustration in his voice. Above all, Jimmy wanted a beautiful wedding filled with God’s love. Instead of offering to help, I started a fight. I told him how angry I was that he had let her plan the wedding before mine, that he was sticking up for her, even though she obviously didn’t care about anything, other than beating me to get married. Jimmy defended her and told me how much they loved each other. I laughed at him and told him they hadn’t spent enough time together to know love. I also told him that I wasn’t going to the wedding, I was in a black out at work, and obviously his future wife didn’t give a shit that his family worked for a living when she picked the date…. And then I hung up on him…. That was it…

That was the LAST time I spoke with Jimmy. He died a week later, before I had the chance to apologize.

Not a day goes by that I don’t regret those words, the selfishness in my heart, or the anger that lived in me that day. The only regret that I have in my almost 28 years on this planet is that I didn’t have a chance to tell my brother how much I loved him and how proud of him I was. I can NOT express/explain how much it hurts to live with what I said and how I acted every day. Although just about everyone I know has told me that Jimmy KNOWS, he knows I love him and he knows I’m sorry, the hurt and the guilt don’t go away. I know that Jimmy loved me, and I know that I loved him, but my last words to him were in anger and hate and were 100% WRONG. I knew Becca loved him and loved us, but at that moment nothing except my selfishness mattered. That is something that I know I will always live with. I have made it a point since then not to stay mad at anyone in my life.

I understand that the Lord beings people into and out of our lives, but I will never again harbor anger towards people he has brought to me. I may not agree with people, and I sometimes get annoyed, but I just take a deep breath and say the serenity prayer. I know that it is too little and too late for Jimmy, but the Lord has shown me the light toward the future.

I am currently writing from a bench at the boardwalk under a beautiful full moon. A bench I know Jimmy and I sat on and talked. A moon I know we looked at a million times from our backs in the front yard. I will never again be able to share these things with him. We won’t run around catching lightning bugs again. I will never be able to go to the Chatterbox with him and talk. There won’t be any more water fights. And I will never have the chance to feel his arms wrap around me in a Jimmy Hug (like a bear hug but a million times better).

He will never REALLY see me healthy. See how close the family has become. Or know how much I love him and miss him.

1John2- ¹⁰Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble. ¹¹But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him

Jimmy saw the light; he loved everyone around him, even those of us who didn’t deserve it. I was in the dark. I was blind…. But now I see….